A little boy was doing his Maths Homework.
He said to himself,
"Two plus five, the son of a bitch is seven.
Three plus six, the son of a bitch is nine..."
His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?"
The little boy answered, "I'm doing my Maths Homework, Mom."
"And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked.
"Yes," he answered.
Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What are you
teaching my son in Maths?"
The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition."
The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, the
son of a bitch is four?"
After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught them
was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four."
Showing posts with label Jokes. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Jokes. Show all posts
Tuesday, 11 November 2008
Friday, 17 October 2008
DENTIST JOKES
A woman and her husband interrupted their vacation to go to the dentist. "I want a tooth pulled, and I don't want Novacaine because I'm in a big hurry," the woman said. "Just extract the tooth as quickly as possible, and we'll be on our way." The dentist was quite impressed. "You're certainly a courageous woman," he said. "Which tooth is it?" The woman turned to her husband and said, "Show him your tooth, dear."
*
Patient: "It must be tough spending all day with your hands in someone's mouth."
Dentist: "I just think of it as having my hands in their wallet."
*
I thought, Miss Smith, that you wanted yesterday afternoon off because you were seeing your dentist?
That's right, Sir.
So how come I saw you coming out of the movie theatre with a friend?
That was my dentist.
*
At what time do most people go to the dentist?
At tooth-hurty (2:30).
*
"Open wider." requested the dentist, as he began his examination of the patient. "Good God !" he said startled. "You've got the biggest cavity I've ever seen - the biggest cavity I've ever seen." "OK Doc !" replied the patient. "I'm scared enough without you saying something like that twice." "I didn't !" said the dentist. "That was the echo."
*
Patient: How much to have this tooth pulled?
Dentist: With pain $200 and without pain $100.
Patient: Well, without pain it's cheaper. Pull it WITHOUT pain.
Without anesthesia neither anything, the dentist begins to extract the tooth, when the patient outcry: Aaaahhhhhhhh !!!!!
Hey, WITH pain it costs $200 !!!, replies the dentist.
*
Patient: "It must be tough spending all day with your hands in someone's mouth."
Dentist: "I just think of it as having my hands in their wallet."
*
I thought, Miss Smith, that you wanted yesterday afternoon off because you were seeing your dentist?
That's right, Sir.
So how come I saw you coming out of the movie theatre with a friend?
That was my dentist.
*
At what time do most people go to the dentist?
At tooth-hurty (2:30).
*
"Open wider." requested the dentist, as he began his examination of the patient. "Good God !" he said startled. "You've got the biggest cavity I've ever seen - the biggest cavity I've ever seen." "OK Doc !" replied the patient. "I'm scared enough without you saying something like that twice." "I didn't !" said the dentist. "That was the echo."
*
Patient: How much to have this tooth pulled?
Dentist: With pain $200 and without pain $100.
Patient: Well, without pain it's cheaper. Pull it WITHOUT pain.
Without anesthesia neither anything, the dentist begins to extract the tooth, when the patient outcry: Aaaahhhhhhhh !!!!!
Hey, WITH pain it costs $200 !!!, replies the dentist.
Tuesday, 23 September 2008
John McCain and Barack Obama
John McCain and Barack Obama somehow ended up at the same barbershop.
As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken. The barbers were even afraid to start a conversation, for fear it would turn to politics. As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Obama in his chair reached for the aftershave.
Obama was quick to stop him saying, 'No thanks, my wife Michelle will smell that and think I've been in a whorehouse,'
The second barber turned to McCain and said, 'How about you?'
McCain replied, 'Go ahead, my wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like.'
As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken. The barbers were even afraid to start a conversation, for fear it would turn to politics. As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Obama in his chair reached for the aftershave.
Obama was quick to stop him saying, 'No thanks, my wife Michelle will smell that and think I've been in a whorehouse,'
The second barber turned to McCain and said, 'How about you?'
McCain replied, 'Go ahead, my wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like.'
Wednesday, 17 September 2008
Bank
A man with a gun goes into a bank and demands their money. Once he is given the money, he turns to a customer and asks, "Did you see me rob this bank?"
The man replied, "Yes sir, I did." The robber then shot him in the temper, killing him instantly.
He then turned to a couple standing next to him and asked the man, "Did you see me rob this bank?" The man replied, "No sir, I didn't, but my wife did!"
MORAL OF THE STORY: When opportunity knocks... don't loose it...
The man replied, "Yes sir, I did." The robber then shot him in the temper, killing him instantly.
He then turned to a couple standing next to him and asked the man, "Did you see me rob this bank?" The man replied, "No sir, I didn't, but my wife did!"
MORAL OF THE STORY: When opportunity knocks... don't loose it...
Monday, 1 September 2008
The Way to Heaven!
The Way to Heaven!
A little boy was waiting for his mother to come out of the grocery store.
As he waited, he was approached by a man who asked, "Son, can you tell me where the post office is?"
The little boy replied, "Sure, just go straight down the street a couple of blocks and turn to your right."
The man thanked the boy kindly and said, "I'm the new pastor in town, and I'd like for you to come to church on Sunday. I'll show you how to get to Heaven."
The little boy replied with a chuckle, "Awww, come on; you don't even know the way to the post office!"
A little boy was waiting for his mother to come out of the grocery store.
As he waited, he was approached by a man who asked, "Son, can you tell me where the post office is?"
The little boy replied, "Sure, just go straight down the street a couple of blocks and turn to your right."
The man thanked the boy kindly and said, "I'm the new pastor in town, and I'd like for you to come to church on Sunday. I'll show you how to get to Heaven."
The little boy replied with a chuckle, "Awww, come on; you don't even know the way to the post office!"
Thursday, 28 August 2008
Todays Joke: Beer Brothers
A man walks into a pub and says, "Give me three pints of Guinness, please."
So the bartender brings him three pints and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third until they're gone.
He then orders three more and the bartender says, "Sir, I know you like them cold, so you can start with one and I'll bring you a fresh one as soon as you're low."
The man says, "You don't understand. I have two brothers, one in Australia and one in the States. We made a vow to each other that every Saturday night we'd still drink together. So right now, my brothers have three Guinness Stouts too and we're drinking together."
The bartender thinks it's a wonderful tradition and every week he sets up the guy's three beers as soon as he enters in the bar. Then one week, the man comes in and orders only two. He drinks them, then orders two more. The bartender sadly says, "Knowing your tradition, I'd just like to just say that I'm sorry that one of your brothers died."
The man replies, "Oh, my brothers are fine - I just quit drinking."
So the bartender brings him three pints and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third until they're gone.
He then orders three more and the bartender says, "Sir, I know you like them cold, so you can start with one and I'll bring you a fresh one as soon as you're low."
The man says, "You don't understand. I have two brothers, one in Australia and one in the States. We made a vow to each other that every Saturday night we'd still drink together. So right now, my brothers have three Guinness Stouts too and we're drinking together."
The bartender thinks it's a wonderful tradition and every week he sets up the guy's three beers as soon as he enters in the bar. Then one week, the man comes in and orders only two. He drinks them, then orders two more. The bartender sadly says, "Knowing your tradition, I'd just like to just say that I'm sorry that one of your brothers died."
The man replies, "Oh, my brothers are fine - I just quit drinking."
Saving Barack...
Barack Obama was out jogging one morning along the
parkway when he tripped, fell over the bridge railing
and landed in the creek below.
Before the Secret Service guys could get to him, 3
kids who were fishing pulled him out of the water. He
was so grateful he offered the kids whatever they wanted.
The first kid said, 'I want to go to Disneyland '
Barack said, 'No problem, I'll take you there on my
special Senator's airplane.'
The second kid said, 'I want a new pair of Nike Air
Jordan 's shoes.'
Barack said, 'I'll get them for you and even have
Michael Jordan sign them!'
The third kid said, ' I want a motorized wheelchair with a
built in TV and stereo headset!'
Barack was a little perplexed b y this and said, 'But you don't look like you're handicapped.'
The kid said, 'I will be after my dad finds out I saved your ass from drowning!
parkway when he tripped, fell over the bridge railing
and landed in the creek below.
Before the Secret Service guys could get to him, 3
kids who were fishing pulled him out of the water. He
was so grateful he offered the kids whatever they wanted.
The first kid said, 'I want to go to Disneyland '
Barack said, 'No problem, I'll take you there on my
special Senator's airplane.'
The second kid said, 'I want a new pair of Nike Air
Jordan 's shoes.'
Barack said, 'I'll get them for you and even have
Michael Jordan sign them!'
The third kid said, ' I want a motorized wheelchair with a
built in TV and stereo headset!'
Barack was a little perplexed b y this and said, 'But you don't look like you're handicapped.'
The kid said, 'I will be after my dad finds out I saved your ass from drowning!
Wednesday, 27 August 2008
THE SMART OLD LADY
Three Ladies in a Sauna
THREE WOMEN, TWO YOUNGER, AND ONE SENIOR CITIZEN, WERE SITTING NAKED IN A SAUNA. SUDDENLY THERE WAS A BEEPING SOUND. THE YOUNG WOMAN PRESSED HER FOREARM AND
THE BEEP STOPPED. THE OTHERS LOOKED AT HER QUESTIONINGLY. 'THAT WAS MY PAGER,' SHE SAID. I HAVE A MICROCHIP UNDER THE SKIN OF MY ARM.
A FEW MINUTES LATER, A PHONE RANG. THE SECOND YOUNG WOMAN LIFTED HER PALM TO HER EAR. WHEN SHE FINISHED, SHE EXPLAINED, 'THAT WAS MY MOBILE PHONE. I HAVE A MICROCHIP IN MY HAND.'
THE OLDER WOMAN FELT VERY LOW -TECH. NOT TO BE OUT DONE, SHE DECIDED SHE HAD TO DO SOMETHING JUST AS IMPRESSIVE. SHE STEPPED OUT OF THE SAUNA AND WENT TO
THE TOILETS. SHE RETURNED WITH A PIECE OF TOILET PAPER HANGING FROM HER REAR END.
THE OTHERS RAISED THEIR EYEBROWS AND STARED AT HER.
THE OLDER WOMAN FINALLY SAID.........WELL, WILL YOU LOOK AT THAT....I'M GETTING A FAX!!
THREE WOMEN, TWO YOUNGER, AND ONE SENIOR CITIZEN, WERE SITTING NAKED IN A SAUNA. SUDDENLY THERE WAS A BEEPING SOUND. THE YOUNG WOMAN PRESSED HER FOREARM AND
THE BEEP STOPPED. THE OTHERS LOOKED AT HER QUESTIONINGLY. 'THAT WAS MY PAGER,' SHE SAID. I HAVE A MICROCHIP UNDER THE SKIN OF MY ARM.
A FEW MINUTES LATER, A PHONE RANG. THE SECOND YOUNG WOMAN LIFTED HER PALM TO HER EAR. WHEN SHE FINISHED, SHE EXPLAINED, 'THAT WAS MY MOBILE PHONE. I HAVE A MICROCHIP IN MY HAND.'
THE OLDER WOMAN FELT VERY LOW -TECH. NOT TO BE OUT DONE, SHE DECIDED SHE HAD TO DO SOMETHING JUST AS IMPRESSIVE. SHE STEPPED OUT OF THE SAUNA AND WENT TO
THE TOILETS. SHE RETURNED WITH A PIECE OF TOILET PAPER HANGING FROM HER REAR END.
THE OTHERS RAISED THEIR EYEBROWS AND STARED AT HER.
THE OLDER WOMAN FINALLY SAID.........WELL, WILL YOU LOOK AT THAT....I'M GETTING A FAX!!
LEGAL......LOGICAL
After having failed his exam in "Logistics and Organization", a
student goes and confronts his lecturer about it.
Student: "Sir, do you really understand anything about the subject?"
Professor: "Surely I must. Otherwise I would not be a professor!"
Student: "Great, well then I would like to ask you a question.
If you can give me the correct answer, I will accept my mark as is and
go. If you however do not know the answer, I want you give me an "A"
for the exam. "
Professor: "Okay, it's a deal. So what is the question?"
Student: "What is legal, but not logical, logical, but not legal, and
neither logical, nor legal?"
Even after some long and hard consideration, the professor cannot give
the student an answer, and therefore changes his exam mark into an
"A", as agreed.
Afterwards, the professor calls on his best student and asks him the
same question.
He immediately answers: "Sir, you are 63 years old and married to a 35
year old woman, which is legal, but not logical. Your wife has a 25
year old lover, which is logical, but not legal. The fact that you
have given your wife's lover an "A", although he really should have
failed, is neither legal, nor logical."
student goes and confronts his lecturer about it.
Student: "Sir, do you really understand anything about the subject?"
Professor: "Surely I must. Otherwise I would not be a professor!"
Student: "Great, well then I would like to ask you a question.
If you can give me the correct answer, I will accept my mark as is and
go. If you however do not know the answer, I want you give me an "A"
for the exam. "
Professor: "Okay, it's a deal. So what is the question?"
Student: "What is legal, but not logical, logical, but not legal, and
neither logical, nor legal?"
Even after some long and hard consideration, the professor cannot give
the student an answer, and therefore changes his exam mark into an
"A", as agreed.
Afterwards, the professor calls on his best student and asks him the
same question.
He immediately answers: "Sir, you are 63 years old and married to a 35
year old woman, which is legal, but not logical. Your wife has a 25
year old lover, which is logical, but not legal. The fact that you
have given your wife's lover an "A", although he really should have
failed, is neither legal, nor logical."
Friday, 22 August 2008
Dhansu PJ
You must have seen the Dev Anand's mega hit film 'Guide'. In the
film there is a famous song 'Gaata rahe mera Dil...' in which Waheeda
Rehman wears a pink saree and throughout the song she wore the same saree.
So, when we have a trend of heroines changing clothes in every sequence,
the big question is: Why doesn't Waheeda Rehman changed her saree in the
entire song?
The answer to this is simply amazing and no amount of head scratching will help you....
I BET U HAVE NOT COME ACROSS ANYTHING INTELLIGENT THAN THIS ...
> scroll down for the answer....
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And the answer is:
Because in the first stanza of the song, Dev Anand sings the following lines:
'O mere Humrahi,
Meri bah thamen chalna,
Badle duniya 'SAREE',
Tum na badalna...." :)
film there is a famous song 'Gaata rahe mera Dil...' in which Waheeda
Rehman wears a pink saree and throughout the song she wore the same saree.
So, when we have a trend of heroines changing clothes in every sequence,
the big question is: Why doesn't Waheeda Rehman changed her saree in the
entire song?
The answer to this is simply amazing and no amount of head scratching will help you....
I BET U HAVE NOT COME ACROSS ANYTHING INTELLIGENT THAN THIS ...
> scroll down for the answer....
>
>
> .
> .
>
> .
>
> .
> .
>
> ..
>
> .
>
> .
>
> .
>
> .
>
> .
>
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And the answer is:
Because in the first stanza of the song, Dev Anand sings the following lines:
'O mere Humrahi,
Meri bah thamen chalna,
Badle duniya 'SAREE',
Tum na badalna...." :)
Thursday, 21 August 2008
Stupid questions.....smart answers
BOY : May I hold your hand?
GIRL : No thanks, it isn't heavy.
GIRL : Say you love me! Say you love me!
BOY : You love me...
GIRL : If we become engaged will you give me a ring??
BOY : Sure, what's your phone number??
GIRL : I think the poorest people are the happiest.
BOY : Then marry me and we'll be the happiest couple
GIRL : Darling, I want to dance like this forever.
BOY : Don't you ever want to improve??
BOY : I love you and I could die for you!
GIRL : How soon??
BOY : I would go to the end of the world for you!
GIRL : Yes, but would you stay there??
WIFE : You tell a man something, it goes in one ear and comes out of the other.
HUSBAND : You tell a woman something: It goes in both ears and comes out of the mouth.
MARY : John says I'm pretty. Andy says I'm ugly.What do u think, Peter?
PETER : A bit of both. I think you're pretty ugly.
Girlfriend : "...And are you sure you love me and no one else ?"
Boyfriend : "Dead Sure! I checked the whole list again yesterday".
Teacher : "Which is more important to us, the sun or the moon?"
Pupil : "The moon".
Teacher : "Why?"
Pupil : "The moon gives us light at night when we need it but the sun gives us light only in the day time when we don't need it".
Waiter : "Would you like your coffee black?"
Customer : "What other colors do you have?"
My father is so old that when he was in school, history was called current affairs.
Teacher : "Sam, you talk a lot !"
Sam : "It's a family tradition".
Teacher : "What do you mean?"
Sam : "Sir, my grandpa was a street hawker, my father is a teacher".
Teacher : "What about your mother?"
Sam : "She's a woman".
Tom : "How should I convey the news to my father that I've failed?"
David: "You just send a telegram: Result declared, past year's performance repeated".
Teacher : "Now, children, if I saw a man beating a donkey and stopped him, what virtue would I be showing?"
Student : "Brotherly love".
Teacher : "Now, Sam, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?"
Sam : "No sir, I don't have to, my mom is a good cook".
Patient : "What are the chances of my recovering doctor?"
Doctor : "One hundred percent. Medical records show that nine out of ten people die of the disease you have. Yours is the tenth case I've treated. The others all died".
Teacher : " Can anybody give an example of COINCIDENCE?"
One Student : "Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the same day and at the same time."
Teacher : " George Washington not only chopped down his father's Cherry tree, but also admitted doing it. Now do you know why his father didn't punish him ?"
One Student: " Because George still had the axe in is hand."
GIRL : No thanks, it isn't heavy.
GIRL : Say you love me! Say you love me!
BOY : You love me...
GIRL : If we become engaged will you give me a ring??
BOY : Sure, what's your phone number??
GIRL : I think the poorest people are the happiest.
BOY : Then marry me and we'll be the happiest couple
GIRL : Darling, I want to dance like this forever.
BOY : Don't you ever want to improve??
BOY : I love you and I could die for you!
GIRL : How soon??
BOY : I would go to the end of the world for you!
GIRL : Yes, but would you stay there??
WIFE : You tell a man something, it goes in one ear and comes out of the other.
HUSBAND : You tell a woman something: It goes in both ears and comes out of the mouth.
MARY : John says I'm pretty. Andy says I'm ugly.What do u think, Peter?
PETER : A bit of both. I think you're pretty ugly.
Girlfriend : "...And are you sure you love me and no one else ?"
Boyfriend : "Dead Sure! I checked the whole list again yesterday".
Teacher : "Which is more important to us, the sun or the moon?"
Pupil : "The moon".
Teacher : "Why?"
Pupil : "The moon gives us light at night when we need it but the sun gives us light only in the day time when we don't need it".
Waiter : "Would you like your coffee black?"
Customer : "What other colors do you have?"
My father is so old that when he was in school, history was called current affairs.
Teacher : "Sam, you talk a lot !"
Sam : "It's a family tradition".
Teacher : "What do you mean?"
Sam : "Sir, my grandpa was a street hawker, my father is a teacher".
Teacher : "What about your mother?"
Sam : "She's a woman".
Tom : "How should I convey the news to my father that I've failed?"
David: "You just send a telegram: Result declared, past year's performance repeated".
Teacher : "Now, children, if I saw a man beating a donkey and stopped him, what virtue would I be showing?"
Student : "Brotherly love".
Teacher : "Now, Sam, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?"
Sam : "No sir, I don't have to, my mom is a good cook".
Patient : "What are the chances of my recovering doctor?"
Doctor : "One hundred percent. Medical records show that nine out of ten people die of the disease you have. Yours is the tenth case I've treated. The others all died".
Teacher : " Can anybody give an example of COINCIDENCE?"
One Student : "Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the same day and at the same time."
Teacher : " George Washington not only chopped down his father's Cherry tree, but also admitted doing it. Now do you know why his father didn't punish him ?"
One Student: " Because George still had the axe in is hand."
Tuesday, 19 August 2008
INTELLIGENCE OF SARDAR
INTELLIGENCE OF SARDAR
1. Lecturer : Write a note on Gandhi Jayanthi.
Sardar : Gandhi was a great man but maa kasam, I dont know who is Jayanthi.
2. Sardar : You cheated me.
Shopkeeper: How ?
Sardar : You said this is American made radio. But when I put it ON, it says All IndiaRadio.
3. Sardar got into a bus on 1st April when conductor asked for ticket. He gave Rs.10/- and took the ticket and said April fool. I have pass.
4. Sardar joined new job. 1st day he worked till late evening on the computer. Boss was happy and asked what you did till evening.
Sardar : Keyboard alphabets were not in order, so I made it alright.
5. On a romantic day sardar's girlfriend asks him. Darling on our engagement day will you give me a ring.
Sardar : Ya sure, from landline or mobile.
6. Doctor to patient : You will die within 2 hours. Do you want to see any one before you die?
Patient : Yes. A good doctor.
7. 2 sardar were fixing a bomb in a car.
Sardar 1 : What would you do if the bomb explodes while fixing.
sardar 2 : Dont worry, I have a one more.
8. Interviewer : When is your birthday.
Sardar : 13th Oct.
Interviewer : which year ?
sardar : Oye Ullu ke patte : Every year.
9. Sardar was busy removing a wheel from his auto. A man asks sardar why are you removing a wheel from your auto.
sardar : Cant you read the board. Parking is only for 2 wheeler.
10. Sardar : What is the name of your car ?
Lady : I forgot the name, but is starts with "T".
Sardar : Oye Kamaal ki gaadi hai, Tea se start hoti hai. Hamaara gaadi petrol se start hoti hai.
11. Boss : Where were you born ?
sardar : Punjab.
Boss : which part ?
sardar : Kya which part ? Whole body born in punjab.
12. American told sardar : Hamare desh me 90% shaadi e-mail se hoti hai.
Sardar : Kya bath hai. Hamari desh me 100% female se hoti hai.
13. How will you destroy a submarine full of sardars ?
Simple. Just knock the door and they will open it.
1. Lecturer : Write a note on Gandhi Jayanthi.
Sardar : Gandhi was a great man but maa kasam, I dont know who is Jayanthi.
2. Sardar : You cheated me.
Shopkeeper: How ?
Sardar : You said this is American made radio. But when I put it ON, it says All IndiaRadio.
3. Sardar got into a bus on 1st April when conductor asked for ticket. He gave Rs.10/- and took the ticket and said April fool. I have pass.
4. Sardar joined new job. 1st day he worked till late evening on the computer. Boss was happy and asked what you did till evening.
Sardar : Keyboard alphabets were not in order, so I made it alright.
5. On a romantic day sardar's girlfriend asks him. Darling on our engagement day will you give me a ring.
Sardar : Ya sure, from landline or mobile.
6. Doctor to patient : You will die within 2 hours. Do you want to see any one before you die?
Patient : Yes. A good doctor.
7. 2 sardar were fixing a bomb in a car.
Sardar 1 : What would you do if the bomb explodes while fixing.
sardar 2 : Dont worry, I have a one more.
8. Interviewer : When is your birthday.
Sardar : 13th Oct.
Interviewer : which year ?
sardar : Oye Ullu ke patte : Every year.
9. Sardar was busy removing a wheel from his auto. A man asks sardar why are you removing a wheel from your auto.
sardar : Cant you read the board. Parking is only for 2 wheeler.
10. Sardar : What is the name of your car ?
Lady : I forgot the name, but is starts with "T".
Sardar : Oye Kamaal ki gaadi hai, Tea se start hoti hai. Hamaara gaadi petrol se start hoti hai.
11. Boss : Where were you born ?
sardar : Punjab.
Boss : which part ?
sardar : Kya which part ? Whole body born in punjab.
12. American told sardar : Hamare desh me 90% shaadi e-mail se hoti hai.
Sardar : Kya bath hai. Hamari desh me 100% female se hoti hai.
13. How will you destroy a submarine full of sardars ?
Simple. Just knock the door and they will open it.
Bilu Ka Wonder
A man hated his wife's cat and he decided to get rid of it. He drove 20 blocks away from home and dropped the cat there. The cat was already walking up the driveway when he approached his home.
The next day, he decided to drop the cat 40 blocks away but the same thing happened.
He kept on increasing the number of blocks but the cat kept on coming home before him.
At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right and so on until he reached what he thought was a perfect spot and dropped the cat there.
Hours later, the man calls his wife at home and asked her, "Jen is the cat there?"
"Yes, why do you ask?" answered the wife.
Frustrated the man said, "Put that bloody cat on the phone, I'm lost and I need directions."
The next day, he decided to drop the cat 40 blocks away but the same thing happened.
He kept on increasing the number of blocks but the cat kept on coming home before him.
At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right and so on until he reached what he thought was a perfect spot and dropped the cat there.
Hours later, the man calls his wife at home and asked her, "Jen is the cat there?"
"Yes, why do you ask?" answered the wife.
Frustrated the man said, "Put that bloody cat on the phone, I'm lost and I need directions."
Monday, 18 August 2008
Love more Humor?
Love more Humor?
1. A FOOLish man tells a woman to STOP talking, but a WISE man tells her that she looks extremely BEAUTIFUL when her LIPS are CLOSED.
2. One GOOD way to REDUCE Alcohol consumption :
Before Marriage - Drink whenever you are SAD,
After Marriage - Drink whenever you are HAPPY
3. Three FASTEST means of Communication :
1. Tele-Phone
2. Tele-Vision
3. Tell to Woman
Need still FASTER - Tell her NOT to tell ANY ONE.
4. Love your friends not their sisters. Love your sisters not their friends.
5. A man got 2 wishes from GOD. He asked for the Best wine and Best Woman.
Next moment, he had the Best Wine and Mother Teresa next to him.
Moral : BE SPECIFIC
6. What is a BEST and WORST news you can hear at the SAME time ?
It is when your Girl Friend says YOU are the BEST KISSER among all your Friends.
7. Let us be generous like this : Four Ants are moving through a forest.
They see an ELEPHANT coming towards them. Ant 1 says : we should KILL him.
Ant 2 says : No, Let us break his Leg alone. Ant 3 says : No, we will just throw him away from our path.
Ant 4 says : No, we will LEAVE him because he is ALONE and we are FOUR.
8. If you do NOT have a Girl Friend - You are missing SOME thing in your life.
If you HAVE a Girl Friend - You are missing EVERY thing in your life.
9. Question : When do you CONGRATULATE someone for their MISTAKE.
Answer : On their MARRIAGE.
10. When your LIFE is in DARKNESS, PRAY GOD and ask him to free you from Darkness.
Even after you pray, if U R still in Darkness - Please PAY the ELECTRICITY BILL.
11. Why Government do NOT allow a Man to MARRY 2 Women.
Because per Constitution, you can NOT PUNISH TWICE for the same Mistake.
12. "A Ship is always safe at the shore - but that is NOT what it is built for" - Albert Einstein
Warm Regards,
Rachana Tiwari
1. A FOOLish man tells a woman to STOP talking, but a WISE man tells her that she looks extremely BEAUTIFUL when her LIPS are CLOSED.
2. One GOOD way to REDUCE Alcohol consumption :
Before Marriage - Drink whenever you are SAD,
After Marriage - Drink whenever you are HAPPY
3. Three FASTEST means of Communication :
1. Tele-Phone
2. Tele-Vision
3. Tell to Woman
Need still FASTER - Tell her NOT to tell ANY ONE.
4. Love your friends not their sisters. Love your sisters not their friends.
5. A man got 2 wishes from GOD. He asked for the Best wine and Best Woman.
Next moment, he had the Best Wine and Mother Teresa next to him.
Moral : BE SPECIFIC
6. What is a BEST and WORST news you can hear at the SAME time ?
It is when your Girl Friend says YOU are the BEST KISSER among all your Friends.
7. Let us be generous like this : Four Ants are moving through a forest.
They see an ELEPHANT coming towards them. Ant 1 says : we should KILL him.
Ant 2 says : No, Let us break his Leg alone. Ant 3 says : No, we will just throw him away from our path.
Ant 4 says : No, we will LEAVE him because he is ALONE and we are FOUR.
8. If you do NOT have a Girl Friend - You are missing SOME thing in your life.
If you HAVE a Girl Friend - You are missing EVERY thing in your life.
9. Question : When do you CONGRATULATE someone for their MISTAKE.
Answer : On their MARRIAGE.
10. When your LIFE is in DARKNESS, PRAY GOD and ask him to free you from Darkness.
Even after you pray, if U R still in Darkness - Please PAY the ELECTRICITY BILL.
11. Why Government do NOT allow a Man to MARRY 2 Women.
Because per Constitution, you can NOT PUNISH TWICE for the same Mistake.
12. "A Ship is always safe at the shore - but that is NOT what it is built for" - Albert Einstein
Warm Regards,
Rachana Tiwari
Thursday, 14 August 2008
Indian Hell
A man dies and goes to hell.
There he finds that there is a different hell for each country.
He goes to the German hell and asks, "What do they do here?"
He told, "First they put you in an electric chair for An hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then The German devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day."
The man does not like the sound of that at all,so he moves on.
He checks out the USA hell as well as the Russian hell and many more.
He discovers that they are all more or less the same as the German hell.
Then he comes to the Indian hell and finds that there is a long line of people waiting to get in.
Amazed, he asks, "What do they do here?" He told, "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the Indian devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day."
"But that is exactly the same as all the other hells - why are there so many people waiting to get in?"
"Because maintenance is so bad that the electric chair does not work,someone has stolen all the nails from the bed, and the devil is a former Govt servant, so he comes in, signs the register and then goes to the canteen!!!
*******
__._,_.___
.
__,_._,___
There he finds that there is a different hell for each country.
He goes to the German hell and asks, "What do they do here?"
He told, "First they put you in an electric chair for An hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then The German devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day."
The man does not like the sound of that at all,so he moves on.
He checks out the USA hell as well as the Russian hell and many more.
He discovers that they are all more or less the same as the German hell.
Then he comes to the Indian hell and finds that there is a long line of people waiting to get in.
Amazed, he asks, "What do they do here?" He told, "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the Indian devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day."
"But that is exactly the same as all the other hells - why are there so many people waiting to get in?"
"Because maintenance is so bad that the electric chair does not work,someone has stolen all the nails from the bed, and the devil is a former Govt servant, so he comes in, signs the register and then goes to the canteen!!!
*******
__._,_.___
.
__,_._,___
Ghost chat
Two ghosts met and both chat about how they died.
1st ghost : How u died?
2nd ghost : I died of cold.
1st ghost : How does it feel when you're dying in cold?
2nd ghost : Actually, I was accidentally locked in the refrigerator.
Initially, I was shivering, then my whole body started to freeze, later I felt the whole world was dark and I died suffocating.
1st ghost : Wow what a horrible way to die....
2nd ghost : How about you? How u die?
1st ghost : I died from heart attack.
2nd ghost : I see, why did u have a heart attack?
1st ghost : Actually, I found out that my wife is having an affair with another man.
One day, when I came back from work, saw a pair of man shoes outside my house. Then, I realized that the guy was in my house with my wife. When I rushed into the bedroom, my wife was alone.
I must find where that bastard is hiding. So I searched the toilet, I ran downstairs, looked in the storeroom, but the bastard was not there. So, I ran upstairs and searched the wardrobe, but I found nothing.
Because of all that running,I got a heart attack and died.
2nd ghost : Why you never look for the bastard in the fridge? The bastard was hiding there. We both might be alive now!!
~~~~~~~~
1st ghost : How u died?
2nd ghost : I died of cold.
1st ghost : How does it feel when you're dying in cold?
2nd ghost : Actually, I was accidentally locked in the refrigerator.
Initially, I was shivering, then my whole body started to freeze, later I felt the whole world was dark and I died suffocating.
1st ghost : Wow what a horrible way to die....
2nd ghost : How about you? How u die?
1st ghost : I died from heart attack.
2nd ghost : I see, why did u have a heart attack?
1st ghost : Actually, I found out that my wife is having an affair with another man.
One day, when I came back from work, saw a pair of man shoes outside my house. Then, I realized that the guy was in my house with my wife. When I rushed into the bedroom, my wife was alone.
I must find where that bastard is hiding. So I searched the toilet, I ran downstairs, looked in the storeroom, but the bastard was not there. So, I ran upstairs and searched the wardrobe, but I found nothing.
Because of all that running,I got a heart attack and died.
2nd ghost : Why you never look for the bastard in the fridge? The bastard was hiding there. We both might be alive now!!
~~~~~~~~
Appointment
Peter called his doctor's office for an appointment.
"I'm sorry," said the receptionist, "we can't fit you in for at least two weeks."
"But I could be dead by then!"
"No problem. If your wife lets us know, we'll cancel the appointment. "
~~~~~~~~~
Ur the 1st thing that comes 2 my mind.
I wish I could start my day with U in my bed.
I just luv Ur feel to my lips. U just make my day.
I love U
.
.
.
NESCAFE!
~~~~~~~~~
What is a girl friend ?
Addition of problems, subtraction of money, Multiplication of enemies & division of friends.
~~~~~~~~~
Why upset ?
Lawyer: "What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?"
Witness: "He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'"
Lawyer: "And why did that upset you?"
Witness: "My name is Susan."
"I'm sorry," said the receptionist, "we can't fit you in for at least two weeks."
"But I could be dead by then!"
"No problem. If your wife lets us know, we'll cancel the appointment. "
~~~~~~~~~
Ur the 1st thing that comes 2 my mind.
I wish I could start my day with U in my bed.
I just luv Ur feel to my lips. U just make my day.
I love U
.
.
.
NESCAFE!
~~~~~~~~~
What is a girl friend ?
Addition of problems, subtraction of money, Multiplication of enemies & division of friends.
~~~~~~~~~
Why upset ?
Lawyer: "What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?"
Witness: "He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'"
Lawyer: "And why did that upset you?"
Witness: "My name is Susan."
Newton
Once all the scientists die and go to heaven. They decide to play hide-n-seek
Unfortunately Einstein is the one who has the den...........He is supposed to count upto 100...and then start searching.....
Everyone starts hiding except Newton.........
Newton just draws a square of 1 meter and stands in it right in front of Einstein.
Einstein's counting 1,2,3......97,98,99.....100........ He opens his eyes and finds Newton standing in front........
Einstein says "newton's out..newton's out....."
Newton denies and says "I am not out........I am not Newton......"
All the scientists come out to see how he proves that he is not Newton.
Newton says "I am standing in a square of area 1m squared..... That makes me Newton per meter squared...... since one Newton per meter squared is one Pascal, I'm Pascal, Therefore Pascal is OUT.......! ,_
Unfortunately Einstein is the one who has the den...........He is supposed to count upto 100...and then start searching.....
Everyone starts hiding except Newton.........
Newton just draws a square of 1 meter and stands in it right in front of Einstein.
Einstein's counting 1,2,3......97,98,99.....100........ He opens his eyes and finds Newton standing in front........
Einstein says "newton's out..newton's out....."
Newton denies and says "I am not out........I am not Newton......"
All the scientists come out to see how he proves that he is not Newton.
Newton says "I am standing in a square of area 1m squared..... That makes me Newton per meter squared...... since one Newton per meter squared is one Pascal, I'm Pascal, Therefore Pascal is OUT.......! ,_
Dialogues said by teachers and professors ....not so good at ENGLISH LOL
Nice one.... Try reading, keep on laughing !!
These are some dialogues said by teachers and professors who are not so good at ENGLISH.
our class teacher once said :
" pick up the paper and fall in the dustbin!!!"
*******************************************
once our hindi teacher said...."i'm going out of the world to america.."....lol...
*******************************************
"..DON'T TRY TO TALK IN FRONT OF MY BACK.."
*******************************************
dont..laugh at the back benches...otherwise teeth and all will be fallen down.....
*******************************************
it was very hot in the afternoon when the teacher entered.. tried to switch the fan on but there was sum problem. and then she said
" why is fan not oning" (ing form of on)
*******************************************
teacher in a furious mood...
write down ur name and father of ur name!!
*******************************************
"shhh... quiet... the principal is revolving around college"
*******************************************
"half of u go to the right, half of u go to the left n the remaining come behind me"......
*******************************************
My manager started like this
"Hi, I am Madhu, Married with two kids"
*******************************************
"I'll illustrate what i have in my mind" said the professor and erased the board
*******************************************
"will u hang that calender or else i'll HANG MYSELF"
*******************************************
LIBRARIAN SCOLDE ," IF U WILL TALK AGAIN , I WILL KNEEL DOWN OUTSIDE"
*******************************************
our chemistry HOD comes and tells us...
"My aim is to study my son and marry my daughter"
*******************************************
tomorrow call ur parents especially mother and father
*******************************************
"why are you looking at the monkeys outside when i am in the class?!"
*******************************************
our lab assistant said this when my frnd wrote wrong code..
"i understand. u understand.computer how understand??
These are some dialogues said by teachers and professors who are not so good at ENGLISH.
our class teacher once said :
" pick up the paper and fall in the dustbin!!!"
*******************************************
once our hindi teacher said...."i'm going out of the world to america.."....lol...
*******************************************
"..DON'T TRY TO TALK IN FRONT OF MY BACK.."
*******************************************
dont..laugh at the back benches...otherwise teeth and all will be fallen down.....
*******************************************
it was very hot in the afternoon when the teacher entered.. tried to switch the fan on but there was sum problem. and then she said
" why is fan not oning" (ing form of on)
*******************************************
teacher in a furious mood...
write down ur name and father of ur name!!
*******************************************
"shhh... quiet... the principal is revolving around college"
*******************************************
"half of u go to the right, half of u go to the left n the remaining come behind me"......
*******************************************
My manager started like this
"Hi, I am Madhu, Married with two kids"
*******************************************
"I'll illustrate what i have in my mind" said the professor and erased the board
*******************************************
"will u hang that calender or else i'll HANG MYSELF"
*******************************************
LIBRARIAN SCOLDE ," IF U WILL TALK AGAIN , I WILL KNEEL DOWN OUTSIDE"
*******************************************
our chemistry HOD comes and tells us...
"My aim is to study my son and marry my daughter"
*******************************************
tomorrow call ur parents especially mother and father
*******************************************
"why are you looking at the monkeys outside when i am in the class?!"
*******************************************
our lab assistant said this when my frnd wrote wrong code..
"i understand. u understand.computer how understand??
Funniest School Excuse Notes !
Funniest School Excuse Notes !
These are the top ten funniest excuse notes from parents collected by schools from all over this country.
1. Please excuse Lola for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.
2. Jimmy has been absent yesterday because he had two teeth taken out of his face.
3. My daughter is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute her.
4. Please excuse Jenny. She has been sick and under the doctor.
5. Sandra won't be in school a week from today. We have to attend her funeral.
6. Please excuse Holly from Jim today. She is administrating.
7. Kevin was absent from school yesterday because he was playing football. He was damaged in the growing part.
8. Amy could not come to school today because she was bothered by very close veins.
9. Please excuse Johnny for being. It was his father's fault.
10. Please excuse Jesse from school. He had very loose vowels.
************
These are the top ten funniest excuse notes from parents collected by schools from all over this country.
1. Please excuse Lola for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.
2. Jimmy has been absent yesterday because he had two teeth taken out of his face.
3. My daughter is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute her.
4. Please excuse Jenny. She has been sick and under the doctor.
5. Sandra won't be in school a week from today. We have to attend her funeral.
6. Please excuse Holly from Jim today. She is administrating.
7. Kevin was absent from school yesterday because he was playing football. He was damaged in the growing part.
8. Amy could not come to school today because she was bothered by very close veins.
9. Please excuse Johnny for being. It was his father's fault.
10. Please excuse Jesse from school. He had very loose vowels.
************
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