A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, 'Please come over here and help
me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get
started.'
Her boyfriend asks, 'What is it supposed to be when it's finished?'
The blonde says, 'According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster.'
Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.
She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over
the table.
He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to
her and says,
'First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to
assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster.'
He takes her hand and says, 'Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a
nice cup of tea, and then ...' he said with a deep sigh, . .. . ... .. .. .
(scroll down)
'Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box.'
Tuesday, 23 September 2008
John McCain and Barack Obama
John McCain and Barack Obama somehow ended up at the same barbershop.
As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken. The barbers were even afraid to start a conversation, for fear it would turn to politics. As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Obama in his chair reached for the aftershave.
Obama was quick to stop him saying, 'No thanks, my wife Michelle will smell that and think I've been in a whorehouse,'
The second barber turned to McCain and said, 'How about you?'
McCain replied, 'Go ahead, my wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like.'
As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken. The barbers were even afraid to start a conversation, for fear it would turn to politics. As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Obama in his chair reached for the aftershave.
Obama was quick to stop him saying, 'No thanks, my wife Michelle will smell that and think I've been in a whorehouse,'
The second barber turned to McCain and said, 'How about you?'
McCain replied, 'Go ahead, my wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like.'
Wednesday, 17 September 2008
Bank
A man with a gun goes into a bank and demands their money. Once he is given the money, he turns to a customer and asks, "Did you see me rob this bank?"
The man replied, "Yes sir, I did." The robber then shot him in the temper, killing him instantly.
He then turned to a couple standing next to him and asked the man, "Did you see me rob this bank?" The man replied, "No sir, I didn't, but my wife did!"
MORAL OF THE STORY: When opportunity knocks... don't loose it...
The man replied, "Yes sir, I did." The robber then shot him in the temper, killing him instantly.
He then turned to a couple standing next to him and asked the man, "Did you see me rob this bank?" The man replied, "No sir, I didn't, but my wife did!"
MORAL OF THE STORY: When opportunity knocks... don't loose it...
Main kaidi no 786 from Veer Zaara…. ( Revised version in office)
Main kaidi no 786..
Cubicle ke dewaron ke us paar dekhta hoon
apni hi tarah
khaali baithe ek colleague ko dekhta hoon
kabhi mail karta
kabhi coffee peeta
kabhi Extn pe baat karta
Messenger pe chat karta rehta
woh kehte hain woh TL hai
woh kehte hain woh senior hai
fir kyon mere jaisa lagta hai
kyon din bhar FW: padhta hai
Main kaidi no 786..
cubicle ki dewaron ke us paar dekhta hoon
cabin me baithe apne PM ko dekhta hoon
Main kaidi no 786..
kabhi phone pe
kabhi conference-call pe
gussa utarta jaane kis pe
who kehte hain project aane wala hai
training complete karo , kaam aane wala hai
fir kyon mujhe yeh jhootha sa lagta hai
fir kyon yeh sapna sa lagta hai
Main kaidi no 786..
cubicle ke dewaron ke us paar dekhta hoon
Doosri companiyon ko join kar chuke
purane doston ko dekhta hoon
woh kehte hain bond ka kya hai, chale jao
woh kehte hain kahin aur kismat aazmao
fir kyon bond todne se dil darta hai
abhi ek saal aur intezaar
karne ko jee karta hai
Main kaidi no 786..
cubicle ki dewaron ke us paar dekhta hoon………….
Cubicle ke dewaron ke us paar dekhta hoon
apni hi tarah
khaali baithe ek colleague ko dekhta hoon
kabhi mail karta
kabhi coffee peeta
kabhi Extn pe baat karta
Messenger pe chat karta rehta
woh kehte hain woh TL hai
woh kehte hain woh senior hai
fir kyon mere jaisa lagta hai
kyon din bhar FW: padhta hai
Main kaidi no 786..
cubicle ki dewaron ke us paar dekhta hoon
cabin me baithe apne PM ko dekhta hoon
Main kaidi no 786..
kabhi phone pe
kabhi conference-call pe
gussa utarta jaane kis pe
who kehte hain project aane wala hai
training complete karo , kaam aane wala hai
fir kyon mujhe yeh jhootha sa lagta hai
fir kyon yeh sapna sa lagta hai
Main kaidi no 786..
cubicle ke dewaron ke us paar dekhta hoon
Doosri companiyon ko join kar chuke
purane doston ko dekhta hoon
woh kehte hain bond ka kya hai, chale jao
woh kehte hain kahin aur kismat aazmao
fir kyon bond todne se dil darta hai
abhi ek saal aur intezaar
karne ko jee karta hai
Main kaidi no 786..
cubicle ki dewaron ke us paar dekhta hoon………….
5 minute - Management Course
Lesson 1:
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is
finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.
The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and
runs downstairs.
When she opens the door, there stands Bob,
the next-door neighbour.
Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800
to drop that towel.'
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops
her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after
a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.
The woman wraps back up in the towel and
goes back upstairs.
When she gets to the bathroom, her husband
asks, 'Who was that?'
'It was Bob the next door neighbour,' she replies.
'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything
about the $800 he owes me?'
Moral of the story:
If you share critical information pertaining to
credit and risk with your shareholders in time,
you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.
Lesson 2:
A priest offered a Nun a lift.
She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her
gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had
an accident.
After controlling the car, he stealthily slid
his hand up her leg.
The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
The priest removed his hand. But, changing
gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.
The nun once again said, 'Father, remember
Psalm 129?'
The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh
is weak.'
Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily
and went on her way.
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed
to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek,
further up, you will find glory.'
Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might
miss a great opportunity.
Lesson 3:
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the
manager are walking to lunch when they find
an antique oil lamp.
They rub it and a Genie comes out.
The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'
'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want
to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without
a care in the world.'
Puff! She's gone.
'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to
be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my
personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina
Coladas and the love of my life.'
Puff! He's gone.
'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, 'I want those two back in the
office after lunch.'
Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.
Lesson 4
An eagle was sitting on a tree resting,
doing nothing.
A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him,
'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?'
The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the
eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox
appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must
be sitting very, very high up.
Lesson 5
A turkey was chatting with a bull.
'I would love to be able to get to the top of
that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't
got the energy.'
'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my
droppings?' replied the bull. They're packed
with nutrients.'
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and
found it actually gave him enough strength
to reach the lowest branch of the tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung,
he reached the second branch.
Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was
proudly perched at the top of the tree..
He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who
shot him out of the tree.
Moral of the story:
Bull Shit might get you to the top, but it
won't keep you there..
Lesson 6
A little bird was flying south for the winter.
It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the
ground into a large field.
While he was lying there, a cow came by
and dropped some dung on him.
As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow
dung, he began to realize how warm he was.
The dung was actually thawing him out!
He lays there all warm and happy, and soon
began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and
came to investigate.
Following the sound, the cat discovered
the bird under the pile of cow dung, and
promptly dug him out and ate him.
Morals of the story:
(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your
friend.
(3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep
your mouth shut!
Congratulations!!! THIS ENDS YOUR 5 MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE
And send this to five bright people
who have enough sense of humor
to take it!
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is
finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.
The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and
runs downstairs.
When she opens the door, there stands Bob,
the next-door neighbour.
Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800
to drop that towel.'
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops
her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after
a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.
The woman wraps back up in the towel and
goes back upstairs.
When she gets to the bathroom, her husband
asks, 'Who was that?'
'It was Bob the next door neighbour,' she replies.
'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything
about the $800 he owes me?'
Moral of the story:
If you share critical information pertaining to
credit and risk with your shareholders in time,
you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.
Lesson 2:
A priest offered a Nun a lift.
She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her
gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had
an accident.
After controlling the car, he stealthily slid
his hand up her leg.
The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
The priest removed his hand. But, changing
gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.
The nun once again said, 'Father, remember
Psalm 129?'
The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh
is weak.'
Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily
and went on her way.
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed
to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek,
further up, you will find glory.'
Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might
miss a great opportunity.
Lesson 3:
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the
manager are walking to lunch when they find
an antique oil lamp.
They rub it and a Genie comes out.
The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'
'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want
to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without
a care in the world.'
Puff! She's gone.
'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to
be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my
personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina
Coladas and the love of my life.'
Puff! He's gone.
'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, 'I want those two back in the
office after lunch.'
Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.
Lesson 4
An eagle was sitting on a tree resting,
doing nothing.
A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him,
'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?'
The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the
eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox
appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must
be sitting very, very high up.
Lesson 5
A turkey was chatting with a bull.
'I would love to be able to get to the top of
that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't
got the energy.'
'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my
droppings?' replied the bull. They're packed
with nutrients.'
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and
found it actually gave him enough strength
to reach the lowest branch of the tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung,
he reached the second branch.
Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was
proudly perched at the top of the tree..
He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who
shot him out of the tree.
Moral of the story:
Bull Shit might get you to the top, but it
won't keep you there..
Lesson 6
A little bird was flying south for the winter.
It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the
ground into a large field.
While he was lying there, a cow came by
and dropped some dung on him.
As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow
dung, he began to realize how warm he was.
The dung was actually thawing him out!
He lays there all warm and happy, and soon
began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and
came to investigate.
Following the sound, the cat discovered
the bird under the pile of cow dung, and
promptly dug him out and ate him.
Morals of the story:
(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your
friend.
(3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep
your mouth shut!
Congratulations!!! THIS ENDS YOUR 5 MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE
And send this to five bright people
who have enough sense of humor
to take it!
JAI MAHARASHTRA!!Good one!!!!
A Gujju, a Bhaiyya, a Bihari & Malayali died and were facing Yama.
Yama asked them if they wanted some facilities & told Chitragupt decided on their accommodation.
The Gujju said: "Hey Yambhai, aa marathi loko toh mane shaanti thi jeeva nathi deta. Maari dukaan fodi naakhi. Aa marathi loko ekdum junglee chhe. Mane maari baaju maa marathi maanas nathi joto."
The UP wala said : "Theek kaha gujjubhai ne. Shriman Yam, in marathi logo ne to hamara jeena hi mushkil kar diya hai....eemaan se!
Arre, meri dukaan ka board bhi kala kar diya. Kahat rahi ki dukaan ka naam marathi bhasha mein hona chaahiye. Ab ee bhi koi baat hui kya?
Mujhe bhi mere baaju mein marathi aadmi nahi chaahiye."
The Bihari said : "Yeh dono sajjan aadmi theek kahat hain. Arre main thode din pehle railway ki pariksa dene mumbai gaya tha.
Raam Lalla ki sougandh, in marathi logun ne humka bahut hi peeta. Hamaar haddi pasli ek kardi. Aisa junglee marathi humka hamaar saath naahi chaahiye."
The Malayali said : "aiiyoo humoko bhi marathi baaju main nahi mangta, bahto pareshaan karta hai yeh log. kuch kaam kerne ko nahi aata phir bhi hosiyari maarke k! aheta hai ki tumko hamare mumbai se nikal dega.
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Yama turns to Chitragupt: "Aayla Chitrya, ya saglyanchya files gheun ye re!!! Baghto ekekala"
Yama asked them if they wanted some facilities & told Chitragupt decided on their accommodation.
The Gujju said: "Hey Yambhai, aa marathi loko toh mane shaanti thi jeeva nathi deta. Maari dukaan fodi naakhi. Aa marathi loko ekdum junglee chhe. Mane maari baaju maa marathi maanas nathi joto."
The UP wala said : "Theek kaha gujjubhai ne. Shriman Yam, in marathi logo ne to hamara jeena hi mushkil kar diya hai....eemaan se!
Arre, meri dukaan ka board bhi kala kar diya. Kahat rahi ki dukaan ka naam marathi bhasha mein hona chaahiye. Ab ee bhi koi baat hui kya?
Mujhe bhi mere baaju mein marathi aadmi nahi chaahiye."
The Bihari said : "Yeh dono sajjan aadmi theek kahat hain. Arre main thode din pehle railway ki pariksa dene mumbai gaya tha.
Raam Lalla ki sougandh, in marathi logun ne humka bahut hi peeta. Hamaar haddi pasli ek kardi. Aisa junglee marathi humka hamaar saath naahi chaahiye."
The Malayali said : "aiiyoo humoko bhi marathi baaju main nahi mangta, bahto pareshaan karta hai yeh log. kuch kaam kerne ko nahi aata phir bhi hosiyari maarke k! aheta hai ki tumko hamare mumbai se nikal dega.
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Yama turns to Chitragupt: "Aayla Chitrya, ya saglyanchya files gheun ye re!!! Baghto ekekala"
Thursday, 11 September 2008
TYPICAL CONVERSATION b/w Lovers-------------- To gooooooooood
Note: The Conversation in the brackets {} contain the words which the guy is speaking to himself!!!
She gives a missed call to him … and He calls her back…
She: Hello!
He: {are yaar...Raat ke 10 bajte nahin ki iski 2-2 second waali missed calls shuru…pata nahi aaj kya bore karegi}
Hi ...kya baat hai..?
She: kuch nahi...bas aise hi phone kiya...
He: {Aise hee ??? Yeh kya Radio Station hai ki aise hee ...!! Aur Call kahan kiya ?... khali missed call to diya hai, roz ki tarah...}
oh...ok ..kya kar rahi thi ??
She: abhi abhi dinner khatam kiya...tum kya kar rahe the?
He: {mai to lunch karke utha hoon na}
Mera bhi abhi abhi dinner khatam hua.. ab...."Ladki Kyon Najaane Kyon" sun raha hu FM par....
She: nice song… (And then she hums a line from the song "Hum Tum")
He: {Yaaaaaaaaarrrrr …kyun bola gaane ka naam .. Ab ye Madonna saare raag gaa degi yaheen}
Hey!!!! Tum itni achchi gaati ho? mujhe pata hi nahi tha ..
She: *giggles*
He: {Ohhhho kya hansti hai .. aisa lag raha hai koi gaadi start kar raha hai}
Hey ek aur baar gaao na pls!
She: Yehan sab so rahe hai... Agar main gaaongi to sab uth jaaenge…
He: {Ekdum Correct...woh yehi samjhenge ki koi paagal, kisi baat par naraaz ho gayi hai ...}
Come on! Please!
She: Hattt ...I don't sing that well
He: {Yeh to saari duniya ko pata hai... paka kyun rahi hai}
It was really sweet. Please gaao na dear …
She: Mujhe kuch ajeeb sa lagta hai jaan …
He: {mujhe tujhse jyada ajeeb lagta hai, dekh phir bhi shaheed hone ko tayaar baitha hoon}
Aisa kuch bhi nahi hai jaanu...gaao na
He: {mere ko doosra raasta nahi hai....is liye bola}
Abhi tum gaaogi ya nahi ?
She: kyun pareshaan kar rahe ho?
He: Acchha ! Ok Nahi karta
She: I don't have that great a voice ... ye to aise hee gaa diya tha ... warna mai nahin gaati
He: {Fir aise hee ??? bada ehsaan karti agar nahin gaati … kaan mai se khoon nikalne waala hai... saala gadha bhi sharma jaaye
teri awaaz sunke…}
hmmmm
She: Theek hai... jab itni zid kar rahe ho... sirf ek stanza gaaungi theek hai??
He: {Abbe teri !!! fas gayaaaaa ... shittttt … aur kya kya jhelna padega malum nahi…}
Great!!!!
She: kaunsa gaana gaau ?
He: {Tum kuch bhi gaao... meri to aaj by default neend haraam hai…}
Hmmmm… 'Mahiya' from Awarapan?
She: Nice song. But mujhe lyrics yaad nahi hai
He: {Thank God ... Text book chhodke tujhe aur kya pata hai bol ...}
Dhoom Machale?
She: Nahi main wohi gaana gaaungi
He: {Aye tere nakhre ... mai to jaise mara jaa raha hoon teri awaaz sun ne ke liye Shakira … koi bhi gaana gaa....mere kaan to pakne waale hai}
Cool
(She clears her throat, hums a line and then)
She: Nahi jaan… I am feeling very shy!
He: {Tu shuru kyun hoti hai … ek bar shuru hokar khatam kyun nahin karti jaldi jaldi... ab kya Eden Gardens book karun, tab gayegi}
Gaao na...pls gaao na....teri awaaz ki samundar me main doob jaana chahta hoon
She: dekho...ab tum mujhe naaraaz kar rahe ho …
He: {Achchha ab tujhe manaane mai poore sheher ko phool leke bhejun kya}
No no... Tum shy feel kar rahi ho na... is liye... Trying to make u comfortable …
She: Hmmm…
He: {Ye makkhi ki tarah kya shuru ho gayi}
Please gaao na darling...
She: Main kal gaaun?
He: {Haaaaaannnn...jaaan bachi... nikal leta hoon...abhi mauka hai}
Theek hai jaisi tumhaari merzi
She: Hmmm
He: Good night
She: Good night
She: Sweet Dreams… Take care...
He: Sweets dreams to u too... {kaahe ke sweet dreams .. sone degi tab na ayenge dreams …abhi 2 minute mein fir call karegi}
After a while She calls Him (sorry...that never happens, she gives only a missed call)
She: Hey… so gaye the kya?
He: {Nahiii...current ka aavishkaar kar raha tha...}
Nahi jaan
She: kya kar rahe ho?
He: {Raat ko kya gili danda khelna hai...}
Match dekh raha tha
She: Theek hai tum match dekho
He: {phone rakhegi to dekhunga na... ya tu running commentary sunayegi}
Hey it's ok... purana match hai
She: Did u feel bad I didn't sing?
(Since it is a tricky question, He thinks for a while)
He: {Bad eh? Crazy girl... this was the luckiest day in my life, since you didn't sing}
Bad toh main nahi keh raha jaanu. But I want you to be comfortable first.... tumhi ne bola ki main kal gaaungi.....
So, me waiting… {maine to socha tha ki aaj bach gaya... dhatttt tereki L}
She sings 1 stanza from the song
'Jiski aankhon me meri hi nami.....'
He: Wow. Too good!
She: jhoot....mujhe maloom hai ki meri awaaz itni achchi nahi hai
He: {Saamne aa jaa, fir bataata hoon... pagal kar diya... chalo shukr hai self realization hai ... J}
Nahi darling you really sing well
She: nahi..mujhe maloom hai tum bas aise hi keh rahe ho
He: {Very good.. aakhir tumne pata laga hi liya.....kyun bhagwaan kyun !! mere saath ye julm kyun}
Cheee! Cheee! teri voice agar itni buri hoti to main kya ab tak na sun raha hota
She: Hmmmm...theek hai.. good night.. ab tum bhi so jaao…
He: {Achcha mil gayi permission ... waise tera gaana sunne ke baad neend kahan aayegi ab ...}
Good night!
She: Take care
He: You too
She: Hey....
He: {Arrre yaar.. aaj ye nahi chhodegi} kya hai sweety?
She: sach bataao honey..meri voice achchi hai ya nahi...
He: {Tu apni voice record karke sun kyon nahi leti ek baar !! dimaag ka dahi kar rakha hai .. lassi banaake peeja mere dimaag ki}
sachchi... Of course.
She: sirf jhoot
He: {Iski toh... !! jab pata hai to mujhse kya singing sensation ka award legi !! phata dhol…}
Not at all. You sing very well…
She: Hmmm.... tum keh rahe ho to theek hi hoga. Good night.
He: Good Night!!
She gives a missed call to him … and He calls her back…
She: Hello!
He: {are yaar...Raat ke 10 bajte nahin ki iski 2-2 second waali missed calls shuru…pata nahi aaj kya bore karegi}
Hi ...kya baat hai..?
She: kuch nahi...bas aise hi phone kiya...
He: {Aise hee ??? Yeh kya Radio Station hai ki aise hee ...!! Aur Call kahan kiya ?... khali missed call to diya hai, roz ki tarah...}
oh...ok ..kya kar rahi thi ??
She: abhi abhi dinner khatam kiya...tum kya kar rahe the?
He: {mai to lunch karke utha hoon na}
Mera bhi abhi abhi dinner khatam hua.. ab...."Ladki Kyon Najaane Kyon" sun raha hu FM par....
She: nice song… (And then she hums a line from the song "Hum Tum")
He: {Yaaaaaaaaarrrrr …kyun bola gaane ka naam .. Ab ye Madonna saare raag gaa degi yaheen}
Hey!!!! Tum itni achchi gaati ho? mujhe pata hi nahi tha ..
She: *giggles*
He: {Ohhhho kya hansti hai .. aisa lag raha hai koi gaadi start kar raha hai}
Hey ek aur baar gaao na pls!
She: Yehan sab so rahe hai... Agar main gaaongi to sab uth jaaenge…
He: {Ekdum Correct...woh yehi samjhenge ki koi paagal, kisi baat par naraaz ho gayi hai ...}
Come on! Please!
She: Hattt ...I don't sing that well
He: {Yeh to saari duniya ko pata hai... paka kyun rahi hai}
It was really sweet. Please gaao na dear …
She: Mujhe kuch ajeeb sa lagta hai jaan …
He: {mujhe tujhse jyada ajeeb lagta hai, dekh phir bhi shaheed hone ko tayaar baitha hoon}
Aisa kuch bhi nahi hai jaanu...gaao na
He: {mere ko doosra raasta nahi hai....is liye bola}
Abhi tum gaaogi ya nahi ?
She: kyun pareshaan kar rahe ho?
He: Acchha ! Ok Nahi karta
She: I don't have that great a voice ... ye to aise hee gaa diya tha ... warna mai nahin gaati
He: {Fir aise hee ??? bada ehsaan karti agar nahin gaati … kaan mai se khoon nikalne waala hai... saala gadha bhi sharma jaaye
teri awaaz sunke…}
hmmmm
She: Theek hai... jab itni zid kar rahe ho... sirf ek stanza gaaungi theek hai??
He: {Abbe teri !!! fas gayaaaaa ... shittttt … aur kya kya jhelna padega malum nahi…}
Great!!!!
She: kaunsa gaana gaau ?
He: {Tum kuch bhi gaao... meri to aaj by default neend haraam hai…}
Hmmmm… 'Mahiya' from Awarapan?
She: Nice song. But mujhe lyrics yaad nahi hai
He: {Thank God ... Text book chhodke tujhe aur kya pata hai bol ...}
Dhoom Machale?
She: Nahi main wohi gaana gaaungi
He: {Aye tere nakhre ... mai to jaise mara jaa raha hoon teri awaaz sun ne ke liye Shakira … koi bhi gaana gaa....mere kaan to pakne waale hai}
Cool
(She clears her throat, hums a line and then)
She: Nahi jaan… I am feeling very shy!
He: {Tu shuru kyun hoti hai … ek bar shuru hokar khatam kyun nahin karti jaldi jaldi... ab kya Eden Gardens book karun, tab gayegi}
Gaao na...pls gaao na....teri awaaz ki samundar me main doob jaana chahta hoon
She: dekho...ab tum mujhe naaraaz kar rahe ho …
He: {Achchha ab tujhe manaane mai poore sheher ko phool leke bhejun kya}
No no... Tum shy feel kar rahi ho na... is liye... Trying to make u comfortable …
She: Hmmm…
He: {Ye makkhi ki tarah kya shuru ho gayi}
Please gaao na darling...
She: Main kal gaaun?
He: {Haaaaaannnn...jaaan bachi... nikal leta hoon...abhi mauka hai}
Theek hai jaisi tumhaari merzi
She: Hmmm
He: Good night
She: Good night
She: Sweet Dreams… Take care...
He: Sweets dreams to u too... {kaahe ke sweet dreams .. sone degi tab na ayenge dreams …abhi 2 minute mein fir call karegi}
After a while She calls Him (sorry...that never happens, she gives only a missed call)
She: Hey… so gaye the kya?
He: {Nahiii...current ka aavishkaar kar raha tha...}
Nahi jaan
She: kya kar rahe ho?
He: {Raat ko kya gili danda khelna hai...}
Match dekh raha tha
She: Theek hai tum match dekho
He: {phone rakhegi to dekhunga na... ya tu running commentary sunayegi}
Hey it's ok... purana match hai
She: Did u feel bad I didn't sing?
(Since it is a tricky question, He thinks for a while)
He: {Bad eh? Crazy girl... this was the luckiest day in my life, since you didn't sing}
Bad toh main nahi keh raha jaanu. But I want you to be comfortable first.... tumhi ne bola ki main kal gaaungi.....
So, me waiting… {maine to socha tha ki aaj bach gaya... dhatttt tereki L}
She sings 1 stanza from the song
'Jiski aankhon me meri hi nami.....'
He: Wow. Too good!
She: jhoot....mujhe maloom hai ki meri awaaz itni achchi nahi hai
He: {Saamne aa jaa, fir bataata hoon... pagal kar diya... chalo shukr hai self realization hai ... J}
Nahi darling you really sing well
She: nahi..mujhe maloom hai tum bas aise hi keh rahe ho
He: {Very good.. aakhir tumne pata laga hi liya.....kyun bhagwaan kyun !! mere saath ye julm kyun}
Cheee! Cheee! teri voice agar itni buri hoti to main kya ab tak na sun raha hota
She: Hmmmm...theek hai.. good night.. ab tum bhi so jaao…
He: {Achcha mil gayi permission ... waise tera gaana sunne ke baad neend kahan aayegi ab ...}
Good night!
She: Take care
He: You too
She: Hey....
He: {Arrre yaar.. aaj ye nahi chhodegi} kya hai sweety?
She: sach bataao honey..meri voice achchi hai ya nahi...
He: {Tu apni voice record karke sun kyon nahi leti ek baar !! dimaag ka dahi kar rakha hai .. lassi banaake peeja mere dimaag ki}
sachchi... Of course.
She: sirf jhoot
He: {Iski toh... !! jab pata hai to mujhse kya singing sensation ka award legi !! phata dhol…}
Not at all. You sing very well…
She: Hmmm.... tum keh rahe ho to theek hi hoga. Good night.
He: Good Night!!
APPRAISAL LETTER
Read this mail completely
Dear Manager (HR),
Vivek, my assistant programmer, can always be found
hard at work in his cubicle. Vivek works independently, without
wasting company time talking to colleagues. Vivek never
thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always
finishes given assignments on time. Often Vivek takes extended
measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee
breaks. Vivek is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no
vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Vivek can be
classed as a high-calibre employee, the type which cannot be
dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Vivek be
promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be
sent away as soon as possible.
Signed - Project Leader
NB: That stupid idiot was reading over my shoulder when I wrote the
report
sent to you earlier today. Kindly read only the odd lines (1, 3, 5, 7,
9,11, 13)
for my true assessment of him.
Dear Manager (HR),
Vivek, my assistant programmer, can always be found
hard at work in his cubicle. Vivek works independently, without
wasting company time talking to colleagues. Vivek never
thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always
finishes given assignments on time. Often Vivek takes extended
measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee
breaks. Vivek is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no
vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Vivek can be
classed as a high-calibre employee, the type which cannot be
dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Vivek be
promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be
sent away as soon as possible.
Signed - Project Leader
NB: That stupid idiot was reading over my shoulder when I wrote the
report
sent to you earlier today. Kindly read only the odd lines (1, 3, 5, 7,
9,11, 13)
for my true assessment of him.
WEDDING SQL
CREATE PROCEDURE MyMarriage
@ BrideGroom Char(NotBad) ,
@ Bride Char(Good)
AS
BEGIN
SELECT Bride FROM Brides
WHERE
FatherInLaw = 'Millionaire' AND
CarCount > 2 AND
HouseStatus ='TwoStoreyed' AND
BrideEduStatus= 'PG orAbove'
HavingBrothers= 'NO' AND
HavingSisters ='No' AND
AllowRelocate ='YES' ;
SELECT Gold ,Cash,Car,BankBalan ce FROM FatherInLaw ;
UPDATE MyBankAccout SET MyBal = MyBal + FatherinLawBal ;
UPDATE MyLocker SET MyLockerContents = MyLockerContents + FatherinLawGold ;
INSERT INTO MyCarShed VALUES ('BMW') ;
END ;
GO ;
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Then the wife writes the below query:
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FORMAT HUSBAND ;
@ BrideGroom Char(NotBad) ,
@ Bride Char(Good)
AS
BEGIN
SELECT Bride FROM Brides
WHERE
FatherInLaw = 'Millionaire' AND
CarCount > 2 AND
HouseStatus ='TwoStoreyed' AND
BrideEduStatus= 'PG orAbove'
HavingBrothers= 'NO' AND
HavingSisters ='No' AND
AllowRelocate ='YES' ;
SELECT Gold ,Cash,Car,BankBalan ce FROM FatherInLaw ;
UPDATE MyBankAccout SET MyBal = MyBal + FatherinLawBal ;
UPDATE MyLocker SET MyLockerContents = MyLockerContents + FatherinLawGold ;
INSERT INTO MyCarShed VALUES ('BMW') ;
END ;
GO ;
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Then the wife writes the below query:
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FORMAT HUSBAND ;
Khandala song in various languages……
===================
Aati kya khandala
===================
Hindi:
A Kya Bolti Tu?
A Kya Mai Bolu?
Sun
Suna
Ati Kya Khandala
Kya karu Ake mai Khandala
Are Ghumenge, nachenge, gayenge Aish karenge or kya ?
English :
Aye what do you say?
Aye what should I say?
Listen.
Speak on.
Coming to khandala?
What should I do, coming to khandala?
We'll roam, we'll loaf, we'll sing, we'll dance we"ll
freak, baby,what else?
Sanskrit : This is too good
Aye balike, twam katham kathisyasi?
Aye balakah aham kim kathisyamh?
Shrinvasi!
Shrunha
Kim twam khandaalaa agchasyasi
Aham kim kurwasyami khandaalayeh
gamisyami, bhramisyami, nryuthyami, gaayami, maja
karishma, kim karishyami?
Punjabi :
A ! ke boldi tu;?
A ke mein bolan?;
Sunh
Sunha
Chaldi khandala
Ki karaan ae ke mein khandala
Are Ghoomenge, Turainge, Naachenge, Gaavenge, Mauj
Karenge, Aur Ki ?
Gujarati :
Aye shun bole tu?
Aye hun shun bolu?
Sambhal
Sambhlaav
Aave chey su khandaalaa?
Shun karu aaviine khandaalaa?
Ghumshun, pharshun, naachshun, gaashun, majaa karshun,
beeju shun?
Marathi
Aye kaai tu mhantes?
Aye kaai mi mhanhu?
Aik
Aikav
Yetes kai khandaalaa?
Kai karu yevon mi khandaalaa?
Are ghumuyaa, phiruyaa, gavuyaa, nachuyaa, aish
karuyaa, aankhin kai?
Kashmiri :
Heey, kya chaakh wannan?
Heev, kya bhe wanneyyyy?
Booz
Wanoo
Pakha telle khandalaa;
Kya karee weeteth bhe khandalaa
Pherevhey, nachevhey, geevevhey, khevevhey, eesh
karav, beyy kya?
Konkani :Aye ! kitte sangta tu?
Aye ! aao kite sangu?
Saang
Saangta
Khandalaa yeta ghi?
Khandalaa yevun kithe kharche?
Bhovya, Phireya, Naachya, Gauya, maja korya, anikithe?
Bengali :
Ei ki bolis tui?
Ei ki ar boli?
Shon
Shonaa !
Jabi ki khondalaa
K! i kori giye khondalaa
Are, ghurbo, phirbo, nachbo, gaibo, maja korbo ar ki?
Malayalam :
Aye yendhu parayunnu?
Aye nyan yedhu parayaan?
Keku
Parayu
Varinno khandala?
Yendu cheyyan .. Nyaan vannittu Khandaala?
Karangam, chuttam, paadam, aadam, maja cheyyam,verendha?
Telugu :
Aye, ainte chaepphuta vu?
Aye,ainte chaepala?
Vinu
Chaeppu
Wastava Khandala
Yem Chesedhi? vacchi Khandala
Thiruguthamu, eguruthamu, aadthaamu, paadthaamu,maja
chesthamu inkemi?
Sindhi :
Aye cha thi c! haen tu?
Aye Maan chaa chavan?
Budh
Budhai
Acheti cha khandaalaa?
Cha kandis achi maan khandaalaa?
Are Ghumandasi, phirandasi, gayendasi,
Nachandasi,aaish kan! dasi, byo cha?
Magahi : (BIHARI)
A ki bolahin tu?
A kya boliyuow hum?
Sun
Sunaow
Aaimahi ki khandala
Ki kariaow aake hum khandala
Gumbai, Phir! bai, naachai, gaayii, aish karbai aur ki
Assamese:
ey ki kua tumi?
ey ki kom moi?
sun
suna
ahibi ki khandala?
ki korim aahi moi kahandalaa
are ghurim,phirim,nasim,gaam,khub phurti korim aru ki?
Tamil:
Enna solre?
Ennatha solla?
mudalla kelu,
sari sollu
Kandala variya
kandala poi enna panrathu
Vera enna .oor suthuvom aaduvom paaduvom jalsa
pannuvom
Foreign Languages :
German :
Was sagst du?
Was soll ich sagen?
Hor mal!
Sag mal!
Kommst Nach Khandala?
Was machen wir in Khaldala?
Wir gehen, spazieren, tanzen, singen, haben spaCx,
was noch?
Spanish :
Tu que deceas?
Yo que deseo?
Oye
Di me
Vas a tu khandaalaa?
Que haceo, yo voy en el khandaalaa?
Viajamos, vagabundeamos, bailamos, cantamos,
disfrutamos, si no.
Chinese :
Ain, Chon Zuan Ho?
Ain, Chon Hee Zuano?
Sui,!
Suion,
Hyuan Chon Khandala?
Chon Tsuani Hyui Hee Khandala?
Chijuan, Kajuan, Marijuan, Siuan, Samshuan
Tsuaniya Tsu Chon?
Russian :
Aeich, Kov Speache niv?
Aeich, Kov miv Speache?
Nuushev,!
Nuusheva,
Comeva Kov Khandala?
Kov Sheychev Comov miv Khandala?
Rotiv, Rotrach, Balleva, Opereacha, Enjova
Sheychevin, Kov
Gobraich?
French :!
Aye! qu'est-ceque tu dis?
Aye! qu'est-ceque tu me vouler dire?
Entendre
Entendrez
Est-ceque tu viens a la Khandala
Qu'est-ceque je fais a aller a la Khandala ?
Promenez,! Allez, Dansez, Chantez a quelle?
Zambesi : (African)
Aye, Zwa To Zulu?
Aye, Zwa Ze Zulu,?
Wahte,
Kaso,
Heliyo To Khandaalaa?
Zwa Kumi, Helithe Khandaalaa?!
Himala, Romala, Wahwahla, Infala, Kumaya Kumana, Ni
Aati kya khandala
===================
Hindi:
A Kya Bolti Tu?
A Kya Mai Bolu?
Sun
Suna
Ati Kya Khandala
Kya karu Ake mai Khandala
Are Ghumenge, nachenge, gayenge Aish karenge or kya ?
English :
Aye what do you say?
Aye what should I say?
Listen.
Speak on.
Coming to khandala?
What should I do, coming to khandala?
We'll roam, we'll loaf, we'll sing, we'll dance we"ll
freak, baby,what else?
Sanskrit : This is too good
Aye balike, twam katham kathisyasi?
Aye balakah aham kim kathisyamh?
Shrinvasi!
Shrunha
Kim twam khandaalaa agchasyasi
Aham kim kurwasyami khandaalayeh
gamisyami, bhramisyami, nryuthyami, gaayami, maja
karishma, kim karishyami?
Punjabi :
A ! ke boldi tu;?
A ke mein bolan?;
Sunh
Sunha
Chaldi khandala
Ki karaan ae ke mein khandala
Are Ghoomenge, Turainge, Naachenge, Gaavenge, Mauj
Karenge, Aur Ki ?
Gujarati :
Aye shun bole tu?
Aye hun shun bolu?
Sambhal
Sambhlaav
Aave chey su khandaalaa?
Shun karu aaviine khandaalaa?
Ghumshun, pharshun, naachshun, gaashun, majaa karshun,
beeju shun?
Marathi
Aye kaai tu mhantes?
Aye kaai mi mhanhu?
Aik
Aikav
Yetes kai khandaalaa?
Kai karu yevon mi khandaalaa?
Are ghumuyaa, phiruyaa, gavuyaa, nachuyaa, aish
karuyaa, aankhin kai?
Kashmiri :
Heey, kya chaakh wannan?
Heev, kya bhe wanneyyyy?
Booz
Wanoo
Pakha telle khandalaa;
Kya karee weeteth bhe khandalaa
Pherevhey, nachevhey, geevevhey, khevevhey, eesh
karav, beyy kya?
Konkani :Aye ! kitte sangta tu?
Aye ! aao kite sangu?
Saang
Saangta
Khandalaa yeta ghi?
Khandalaa yevun kithe kharche?
Bhovya, Phireya, Naachya, Gauya, maja korya, anikithe?
Bengali :
Ei ki bolis tui?
Ei ki ar boli?
Shon
Shonaa !
Jabi ki khondalaa
K! i kori giye khondalaa
Are, ghurbo, phirbo, nachbo, gaibo, maja korbo ar ki?
Malayalam :
Aye yendhu parayunnu?
Aye nyan yedhu parayaan?
Keku
Parayu
Varinno khandala?
Yendu cheyyan .. Nyaan vannittu Khandaala?
Karangam, chuttam, paadam, aadam, maja cheyyam,verendha?
Telugu :
Aye, ainte chaepphuta vu?
Aye,ainte chaepala?
Vinu
Chaeppu
Wastava Khandala
Yem Chesedhi? vacchi Khandala
Thiruguthamu, eguruthamu, aadthaamu, paadthaamu,maja
chesthamu inkemi?
Sindhi :
Aye cha thi c! haen tu?
Aye Maan chaa chavan?
Budh
Budhai
Acheti cha khandaalaa?
Cha kandis achi maan khandaalaa?
Are Ghumandasi, phirandasi, gayendasi,
Nachandasi,aaish kan! dasi, byo cha?
Magahi : (BIHARI)
A ki bolahin tu?
A kya boliyuow hum?
Sun
Sunaow
Aaimahi ki khandala
Ki kariaow aake hum khandala
Gumbai, Phir! bai, naachai, gaayii, aish karbai aur ki
Assamese:
ey ki kua tumi?
ey ki kom moi?
sun
suna
ahibi ki khandala?
ki korim aahi moi kahandalaa
are ghurim,phirim,nasim,gaam,khub phurti korim aru ki?
Tamil:
Enna solre?
Ennatha solla?
mudalla kelu,
sari sollu
Kandala variya
kandala poi enna panrathu
Vera enna .oor suthuvom aaduvom paaduvom jalsa
pannuvom
Foreign Languages :
German :
Was sagst du?
Was soll ich sagen?
Hor mal!
Sag mal!
Kommst Nach Khandala?
Was machen wir in Khaldala?
Wir gehen, spazieren, tanzen, singen, haben spaCx,
was noch?
Spanish :
Tu que deceas?
Yo que deseo?
Oye
Di me
Vas a tu khandaalaa?
Que haceo, yo voy en el khandaalaa?
Viajamos, vagabundeamos, bailamos, cantamos,
disfrutamos, si no.
Chinese :
Ain, Chon Zuan Ho?
Ain, Chon Hee Zuano?
Sui,!
Suion,
Hyuan Chon Khandala?
Chon Tsuani Hyui Hee Khandala?
Chijuan, Kajuan, Marijuan, Siuan, Samshuan
Tsuaniya Tsu Chon?
Russian :
Aeich, Kov Speache niv?
Aeich, Kov miv Speache?
Nuushev,!
Nuusheva,
Comeva Kov Khandala?
Kov Sheychev Comov miv Khandala?
Rotiv, Rotrach, Balleva, Opereacha, Enjova
Sheychevin, Kov
Gobraich?
French :!
Aye! qu'est-ceque tu dis?
Aye! qu'est-ceque tu me vouler dire?
Entendre
Entendrez
Est-ceque tu viens a la Khandala
Qu'est-ceque je fais a aller a la Khandala ?
Promenez,! Allez, Dansez, Chantez a quelle?
Zambesi : (African)
Aye, Zwa To Zulu?
Aye, Zwa Ze Zulu,?
Wahte,
Kaso,
Heliyo To Khandaalaa?
Zwa Kumi, Helithe Khandaalaa?!
Himala, Romala, Wahwahla, Infala, Kumaya Kumana, Ni
Papa kehte hain for Software Folks...(old one..but very nice)
Sing along.. really nice J
Doston...!
Aaj Delivery ka Aakhri Din hain,
Aur sabhi ne kuch na kuch file check-in kiya hain
Par mainekoi file check-in nahin kiya hain
No really I mean it
Aaaj, Aaj mujhe bar bar ek hi khayal aa raha hain
The song begins here .........
PM ( Project Manager ) kehte hain bada kam karega,
TM ( team member ) hamara bada code likhega,
magar yeh to koi na jaane ,
ke iska template hain
kahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnn
PM kehte hain bada kam karega, aaaaa aaaaaa
[jazzy music in the manner of TDD being typed]
Baithe hain milke,
Sab reviewer apne,
sabke dilon mein armaan yeh hain [eh he eh]
woh Review mein kal kya bharega,
har ek defect ka Owner kaun hain.....
koi reviewer ka kaam karega,
Defect resolution main koi apna naam bharega,
magar yeh to koi na jaane,
ke is defect ka owner hain
kahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnn
PM kehte hain bada kam karega, aaaaa aaaaaa
[jazzy music in the manner of Review defects being closed]
Mera to sapna,
Hain Onsite Jana
Jau jo wahan,
Jhume Bahar
tension badhati,
UAT ka mausam,
client ki masti,
OC ka haal....
bandha onsite main 0 defect try karega....
good show mail mein apna naam payega
mujhe bus itna kaho yaaron...
ki mujhe onsite jana hain
kahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnn
PM kehte hain bada kam karega,
TM hamara bada code likhega,
magar yeh to koi na jaane,
ke mera appraisal hain
kahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnn
Doston...!
Aaj Delivery ka Aakhri Din hain,
Aur sabhi ne kuch na kuch file check-in kiya hain
Par mainekoi file check-in nahin kiya hain
No really I mean it
Aaaj, Aaj mujhe bar bar ek hi khayal aa raha hain
The song begins here .........
PM ( Project Manager ) kehte hain bada kam karega,
TM ( team member ) hamara bada code likhega,
magar yeh to koi na jaane ,
ke iska template hain
kahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnn
PM kehte hain bada kam karega, aaaaa aaaaaa
[jazzy music in the manner of TDD being typed]
Baithe hain milke,
Sab reviewer apne,
sabke dilon mein armaan yeh hain [eh he eh]
woh Review mein kal kya bharega,
har ek defect ka Owner kaun hain.....
koi reviewer ka kaam karega,
Defect resolution main koi apna naam bharega,
magar yeh to koi na jaane,
ke is defect ka owner hain
kahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnn
PM kehte hain bada kam karega, aaaaa aaaaaa
[jazzy music in the manner of Review defects being closed]
Mera to sapna,
Hain Onsite Jana
Jau jo wahan,
Jhume Bahar
tension badhati,
UAT ka mausam,
client ki masti,
OC ka haal....
bandha onsite main 0 defect try karega....
good show mail mein apna naam payega
mujhe bus itna kaho yaaron...
ki mujhe onsite jana hain
kahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnn
PM kehte hain bada kam karega,
TM hamara bada code likhega,
magar yeh to koi na jaane,
ke mera appraisal hain
kahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnn
INTERVIEW
OFFICER—————-WHAT IS YOUR NAME ?
CANDIDATE————M P. SIR
OFFICER—————-TELL ME PROPERLY
CANDIDATE————MOHAN PAL SIR
OFFICER————– YOUR FATHER'S NAME ?
CANDIDATE——— M P. SIR
OFFICER————- WHAT DOES THAT MEAN ?
CANDIDATE————MANMOHAN PAL SIR
OFFICER————- YOUR NATIVE PLACE
CANDIDATE————M P. SIR
OFFICER———— IS IT MADHYA PRADESH ?
CANDIDATE————NO, MANI PAL SIR
OFFICER———— WHAT IS YOUR QUALIFICATION ?
CANDIDATE————M P. SIR
OFFICER———— (ANGRILY) WHAT IS IT ?
CANDIDATE————METRIC PASS
OFFICER————- WHY DO YOU NEED A JOB ?
CANDIDATE———M P. SIR
OFFICER———— AND WHAT DOSE THAT MEAN ?
CANDIDATE———MONEY PROBLEM SIR
OFFICER———— DESCRIBE YOUR PERSONALITY
CANDIDATE————M P. SIR
OFFICER———— EXPLAIN YOURSELF CLEARLY
CANDIDATE———-MAGNANIMOUS PERSONALITY SIR
OFFICER————-THIS DISCUSSION IS NOWHERE, YOU MAY GO NOW
CANDIDATE———-M P. SIR
OFFICER—————WHAT is it NOW
CANDIDATE————My Performance…. ?
OFFICER—————-M P!!!!
CANDIDATE————WHAT IS THAT SIR
OFFICER————–MENTAL PROBLEM
CANDIDATE————M P. SIR
OFFICER—————-TELL ME PROPERLY
CANDIDATE————MOHAN PAL SIR
OFFICER————– YOUR FATHER'S NAME ?
CANDIDATE——— M P. SIR
OFFICER————- WHAT DOES THAT MEAN ?
CANDIDATE————MANMOHAN PAL SIR
OFFICER————- YOUR NATIVE PLACE
CANDIDATE————M P. SIR
OFFICER———— IS IT MADHYA PRADESH ?
CANDIDATE————NO, MANI PAL SIR
OFFICER———— WHAT IS YOUR QUALIFICATION ?
CANDIDATE————M P. SIR
OFFICER———— (ANGRILY) WHAT IS IT ?
CANDIDATE————METRIC PASS
OFFICER————- WHY DO YOU NEED A JOB ?
CANDIDATE———M P. SIR
OFFICER———— AND WHAT DOSE THAT MEAN ?
CANDIDATE———MONEY PROBLEM SIR
OFFICER———— DESCRIBE YOUR PERSONALITY
CANDIDATE————M P. SIR
OFFICER———— EXPLAIN YOURSELF CLEARLY
CANDIDATE———-MAGNANIMOUS PERSONALITY SIR
OFFICER————-THIS DISCUSSION IS NOWHERE, YOU MAY GO NOW
CANDIDATE———-M P. SIR
OFFICER—————WHAT is it NOW
CANDIDATE————My Performance…. ?
OFFICER—————-M P!!!!
CANDIDATE————WHAT IS THAT SIR
OFFICER————–MENTAL PROBLEM
HASNA MANA HAI!!!
Ek bhoot dusare bhoot ko bolta hai-
Kitni ajeeb baat hai aadmi mar ne
ke baad bhoot ban jata hai,
par aurat chudel ki chudel hi rehti hai.....
Wife- Ek baat bolu maarna mat.
Husband- Bolo.
Wife- I am pregnant.
Husband- Yeh to khushi ki baat hai.
Wife- College me ek baar papa ko
batai thi to bahut maara tha.
A marathi student in a village was asked to
read the English numbers 70, 82, 89, 99.
He reads "Shewanti, Yeti tu? Yeti nai? nai tar nai..."
Sardar - Bachpan me maa ki bat suni hoti to aaj ye din na dekhna padta.
Judge- Kya kehti thi maa?
Sardar- Jab bat hi nahi suni to kaise batau kya kehti thi?
Wife- "Suno ji, doctor ne muze 1 mahine aaram k liye kisi
Hill station pe jaane ko kaha hai, hum kaha jayenge?"
Husband- Dusre doctor ke pas.
Santa goes to hotel and orders fried fish.
Waiter- Sir, French or Spanish?
Santa- Jo marji le aa, maine kaunsi baatein karni hai....!
Kitni ajeeb baat hai aadmi mar ne
ke baad bhoot ban jata hai,
par aurat chudel ki chudel hi rehti hai.....
Wife- Ek baat bolu maarna mat.
Husband- Bolo.
Wife- I am pregnant.
Husband- Yeh to khushi ki baat hai.
Wife- College me ek baar papa ko
batai thi to bahut maara tha.
A marathi student in a village was asked to
read the English numbers 70, 82, 89, 99.
He reads "Shewanti, Yeti tu? Yeti nai? nai tar nai..."
Sardar - Bachpan me maa ki bat suni hoti to aaj ye din na dekhna padta.
Judge- Kya kehti thi maa?
Sardar- Jab bat hi nahi suni to kaise batau kya kehti thi?
Wife- "Suno ji, doctor ne muze 1 mahine aaram k liye kisi
Hill station pe jaane ko kaha hai, hum kaha jayenge?"
Husband- Dusre doctor ke pas.
Santa goes to hotel and orders fried fish.
Waiter- Sir, French or Spanish?
Santa- Jo marji le aa, maine kaunsi baatein karni hai....!
Wednesday, 10 September 2008
ATM
A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads:
"Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.
After months of careful research, MALE and FEMALE procedures have been developed.
Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender:
MALE PROCEDURE
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.
FEMALE PROCEDURE
1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided.
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake.
"Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.
After months of careful research, MALE and FEMALE procedures have been developed.
Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender:
MALE PROCEDURE
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.
FEMALE PROCEDURE
1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided.
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake.
Monday, 8 September 2008
Saturday, 6 September 2008
Joke Of The Day
Doctor to sardar patient : Ab aapki tabiyat kaisi hai.
Sardar : Doctor saheb Pehle se jyada kharab ho gayi hai.
Doctor : dawai khali thi kya?
Sardar : Nai doctor saheb. dawai ki shishi to bhari hui thi.
Doctor : Are Sardar ji mere kehne ka matlab hai ki, dawai le li thi kya.
Sardar : Ji, aapne dawai de di thi aur maine le lit hi.
Doctor: Abe, dawai pili thi kya?
Sardar : Oho, nai doctor saheb dawai to lal thi.
Doctor : Abe GADHE, Dawai ko piliya tha kya?
Sardar : Nai. Doctor, Piliya to mujhe tha.
Doctor( in frustration) : Abe teri to, Dawai ko muh lagakar Pet me dala tha k nai?
Sardar : Nai doctor saheb.
Doctor : Kyon?
Sardar : Kyonki dhakkan band tha.
Doctor : Teri sale, to Khola kyon nai.
Sardar : Saheb, aapne hi to kaha tha ki, shishi ka dhakkan band rakhna.
Doctor : Tera ilaz main nai kar sakta.!
Sardar : Accha Doctor saheb ye to bata do ki main thik kaise hounga JJJJJJJ
Sardar : Doctor saheb Pehle se jyada kharab ho gayi hai.
Doctor : dawai khali thi kya?
Sardar : Nai doctor saheb. dawai ki shishi to bhari hui thi.
Doctor : Are Sardar ji mere kehne ka matlab hai ki, dawai le li thi kya.
Sardar : Ji, aapne dawai de di thi aur maine le lit hi.
Doctor: Abe, dawai pili thi kya?
Sardar : Oho, nai doctor saheb dawai to lal thi.
Doctor : Abe GADHE, Dawai ko piliya tha kya?
Sardar : Nai. Doctor, Piliya to mujhe tha.
Doctor( in frustration) : Abe teri to, Dawai ko muh lagakar Pet me dala tha k nai?
Sardar : Nai doctor saheb.
Doctor : Kyon?
Sardar : Kyonki dhakkan band tha.
Doctor : Teri sale, to Khola kyon nai.
Sardar : Saheb, aapne hi to kaha tha ki, shishi ka dhakkan band rakhna.
Doctor : Tera ilaz main nai kar sakta.!
Sardar : Accha Doctor saheb ye to bata do ki main thik kaise hounga JJJJJJJ
Thursday, 4 September 2008
Passing an exam
Three patients in a mental institution prepare for an examination given by the head psychiatrist.
If the patients pass the exam, they will be free to leave the hospital. However, if they fail, the institution will detain them for five years.
The doctor takes the three patients to the top of a diving board looking over an empty swimming pool, and asks the first patient to jump.
The first patient jumps head first into the pool and breaks both arms.
Then the second patient jumps and breaks both legs.
The third patient looks over the side and refuses to jump.
"Congratulations! You're a free man. Just tell me why didn't you jump?" asked the doctor.
To which the third patient answered, "Well Doc, I can't swim!"
******
If the patients pass the exam, they will be free to leave the hospital. However, if they fail, the institution will detain them for five years.
The doctor takes the three patients to the top of a diving board looking over an empty swimming pool, and asks the first patient to jump.
The first patient jumps head first into the pool and breaks both arms.
Then the second patient jumps and breaks both legs.
The third patient looks over the side and refuses to jump.
"Congratulations! You're a free man. Just tell me why didn't you jump?" asked the doctor.
To which the third patient answered, "Well Doc, I can't swim!"
******
McDonald's love story...
A little old couple walked slowly into a McDonald's one cold winter evening.
They looked out of place amid the young families and young couples eating there that night.
Some of the customers looked admiringly at them. You could tell what the admirers were thinking: "Look, there is a couple who has been through a lot together, probably for 60 years or more!"
The little old man walked up to the cash register, placed his order with no hesitation and then paid for their meal.
The couple took a table near the back wall and started taking food off of the tray.
There was one hamburger, one order of French fries and one drink.
The little old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half.
He placed one half in front of his wife.
Then he carefully counted out the French fries, divided them in two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.
He took a sip of the drink, and then his wife took a sip as the man began to eat his few bites.
Again, you could tell what people around the old couple were saying. - "They were used to sharing everything ."
Then the crowd noticed that the little old lady still hadn't eaten a thing.
She just sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally sipped some of the drink.
A young man came over and begged them to let him buy them another meal.
The lady explained that no, they were used to sharing.
As the little old man finished eating and was wiping his face neatly with a napkin, the young man could stand it no longer and asked again.
After being politely refused again, he finally asked the little old lady, "Ma'am, why aren't you eating. You said that you share everything. What is it that you are waiting for?"
She answered "THE TEETH"
******
They looked out of place amid the young families and young couples eating there that night.
Some of the customers looked admiringly at them. You could tell what the admirers were thinking: "Look, there is a couple who has been through a lot together, probably for 60 years or more!"
The little old man walked up to the cash register, placed his order with no hesitation and then paid for their meal.
The couple took a table near the back wall and started taking food off of the tray.
There was one hamburger, one order of French fries and one drink.
The little old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half.
He placed one half in front of his wife.
Then he carefully counted out the French fries, divided them in two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.
He took a sip of the drink, and then his wife took a sip as the man began to eat his few bites.
Again, you could tell what people around the old couple were saying. - "They were used to sharing everything ."
Then the crowd noticed that the little old lady still hadn't eaten a thing.
She just sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally sipped some of the drink.
A young man came over and begged them to let him buy them another meal.
The lady explained that no, they were used to sharing.
As the little old man finished eating and was wiping his face neatly with a napkin, the young man could stand it no longer and asked again.
After being politely refused again, he finally asked the little old lady, "Ma'am, why aren't you eating. You said that you share everything. What is it that you are waiting for?"
She answered "THE TEETH"
******
Going to Propose a Girl ?
Here are the top most reply of a girl, when you propose her...
1) Nahi........ ......... ???
2) Chiiiii..... Kitne gande vichar hain tumhare..... ..
3) Maine tumhe sirf ek acche dost ki nazar se dekha hai ....
4) Mera pehle se ek boyfrnd hai....
5) Main in baton pe vishwas nahi karti, apne padhai pe dhyaan lagao...
6) tum abhi tak mujhe jaante kahan ho ?Yeh shayad infatuation hai....
7) Tumhara bank balance kitna hai…??
8) Magar last year to Maine tumhe raakhi baandhi thi ..hai naa..bhaiyya. .??
9) Mein abhi is relation ke liye mentally prepared nahi hoo....
10) Mein apne dady se pooch ke tumhe kaal answer karu…??
11) Itni is baat kehne ke liye itni der lagaa di??
12) Ye donon ke dil me hai na, to phir kya kehna!!
13) Sorry
14) "……Apna chehra kabhi aayine me dekha hai….. L…………………………… "
15) "Main toh tumhe apna Bhai maanati hu"
16) "Yes .. I too like you … (but hope you don't cheat on me ) " … (Which we guys most oftenly do )
17) Phele kyon nahi bataya AB tum late ho gaye ..
18) Tum agar pehle mile hote to sochti.
19) Tumhari himmat kaise hui mere baare mein aisa sochne ki… (probably followed by a slap)
20) Girl: mujhe sochna ka wakt do…
Guy: kitna wakt???(with hope)
Girl: saat janam
21) Mai ek shaadi shuda ladki hu ;-)
22) Mein tumhare chotte bhai se pyaar karti hoon…
23) Now that's a real tragedy….
Girl: Hee hee ……hee hee hee…..hee ….hee……hee……
Hee hee ……hee hee hee…..hee ….hee……hee……
24) Boy: I love U!
Gal: I don't think ABT all this before marriage.
25) Keep loving I don't care.
26) Tum mere liye kya kar sakte ho…
27) Kaun as number hai mera tumhare proposals ki history mein. Ha ha ha ha….
28) tumhe is nazar se kabhi dekha nahi
29) tumhare barre mein kabhi aisa socha nahi
30) mummy se pooch kar bataungi
31) mere bhaiyya se baat kar lo , who hi tumhe samajhayenge
32) Knyo, Tina NE "No" bola?
33) Lekin tum to Mina ke piche pade the, Kya usne thappad mara?
34) Kitne time ke liye -???
35) Worst one-- Jo bhi bolna hai jaldi bolo mera beta school se aata hoga..
36) Thanks. I love you, too.
37) Boy :- Sonya, I love U…..
Gal :- Sorry , Next 3 Months tak Waiting List chal rahi hai….
38) "What?"
39) "Let's just stay away from this"
40) My friend in college got one classic reply … "I THINK I'M ENGAGED"
41) "I think, I will have better options in future ..."
42)Mujhe tumse is baare mein koi baat nahi karni, then she starts ignoring, phir bhi nahi sudhare then she threatens via some common friends.
43) My Boy friend is very short Tempered. Beware of it.
44) like you as a friend but I never thought about us like this…cant we be just good friends for ever
45) Actually my younger sis likes you a lot. ..
46) My mummy does not like your family (if the family knows each other.) ..
47) "Why me?..Tumne mere meih essa kya dekha?..."she wants you to list down all the Good qualities that you even might have not seen in her. ...
48) SLAP !! ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS....it is said ..
49)hehe I didn't expect that from you....
50)nice joke ...
51)tum ladke kuchh or nahi soch sakte jaha ladki dekhi fisal gaye.....
52)achha tum bhi meine socha sirf harsh,nikhil, ravi, etc etc ko hi mujhme interest hai ..... And then walks on.......... ...
53)tumhe to purpose karna bhi nahi aata.... Peheli bari hai kya?? Koi baat nahi mein batati Hun ???...
*******
1) Nahi........ ......... ???
2) Chiiiii..... Kitne gande vichar hain tumhare..... ..
3) Maine tumhe sirf ek acche dost ki nazar se dekha hai ....
4) Mera pehle se ek boyfrnd hai....
5) Main in baton pe vishwas nahi karti, apne padhai pe dhyaan lagao...
6) tum abhi tak mujhe jaante kahan ho ?Yeh shayad infatuation hai....
7) Tumhara bank balance kitna hai…??
8) Magar last year to Maine tumhe raakhi baandhi thi ..hai naa..bhaiyya. .??
9) Mein abhi is relation ke liye mentally prepared nahi hoo....
10) Mein apne dady se pooch ke tumhe kaal answer karu…??
11) Itni is baat kehne ke liye itni der lagaa di??
12) Ye donon ke dil me hai na, to phir kya kehna!!
13) Sorry
14) "……Apna chehra kabhi aayine me dekha hai….. L…………………………… "
15) "Main toh tumhe apna Bhai maanati hu"
16) "Yes .. I too like you … (but hope you don't cheat on me ) " … (Which we guys most oftenly do )
17) Phele kyon nahi bataya AB tum late ho gaye ..
18) Tum agar pehle mile hote to sochti.
19) Tumhari himmat kaise hui mere baare mein aisa sochne ki… (probably followed by a slap)
20) Girl: mujhe sochna ka wakt do…
Guy: kitna wakt???(with hope)
Girl: saat janam
21) Mai ek shaadi shuda ladki hu ;-)
22) Mein tumhare chotte bhai se pyaar karti hoon…
23) Now that's a real tragedy….
Girl: Hee hee ……hee hee hee…..hee ….hee……hee……
Hee hee ……hee hee hee…..hee ….hee……hee……
24) Boy: I love U!
Gal: I don't think ABT all this before marriage.
25) Keep loving I don't care.
26) Tum mere liye kya kar sakte ho…
27) Kaun as number hai mera tumhare proposals ki history mein. Ha ha ha ha….
28) tumhe is nazar se kabhi dekha nahi
29) tumhare barre mein kabhi aisa socha nahi
30) mummy se pooch kar bataungi
31) mere bhaiyya se baat kar lo , who hi tumhe samajhayenge
32) Knyo, Tina NE "No" bola?
33) Lekin tum to Mina ke piche pade the, Kya usne thappad mara?
34) Kitne time ke liye -???
35) Worst one-- Jo bhi bolna hai jaldi bolo mera beta school se aata hoga..
36) Thanks. I love you, too.
37) Boy :- Sonya, I love U…..
Gal :- Sorry , Next 3 Months tak Waiting List chal rahi hai….
38) "What?"
39) "Let's just stay away from this"
40) My friend in college got one classic reply … "I THINK I'M ENGAGED"
41) "I think, I will have better options in future ..."
42)Mujhe tumse is baare mein koi baat nahi karni, then she starts ignoring, phir bhi nahi sudhare then she threatens via some common friends.
43) My Boy friend is very short Tempered. Beware of it.
44) like you as a friend but I never thought about us like this…cant we be just good friends for ever
45) Actually my younger sis likes you a lot. ..
46) My mummy does not like your family (if the family knows each other.) ..
47) "Why me?..Tumne mere meih essa kya dekha?..."she wants you to list down all the Good qualities that you even might have not seen in her. ...
48) SLAP !! ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS....it is said ..
49)hehe I didn't expect that from you....
50)nice joke ...
51)tum ladke kuchh or nahi soch sakte jaha ladki dekhi fisal gaye.....
52)achha tum bhi meine socha sirf harsh,nikhil, ravi, etc etc ko hi mujhme interest hai ..... And then walks on.......... ...
53)tumhe to purpose karna bhi nahi aata.... Peheli bari hai kya?? Koi baat nahi mein batati Hun ???...
*******
Taxi Driver
A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed , lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimeters from a shop window.
For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!"
The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much. "
The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver. I've been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years."
*********
For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!"
The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much. "
The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver. I've been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years."
*********
EK SHAADI SHUDA KI DAASTAN
Abhi shaadi ka pehla hi saal tha,
Khushi ke maare mera bura haal tha,
Khushiyaan kuchh yun umad rahin thi,
Ki sambhale nahi sambhal rahi thi ..
Subah subah madam ka chai Le kar aana
Thoda sharmate huye humein neend se jagana,
Wo pyaar bhara hath hamare baalon mein phirana,
Muskurate huye kehna ki..
Darling chai to pi lo, Jaldi se ready ho jao, Aap ko office bhi hai jaana.
Gharwali bhagwan ka roop Le kar aayee thi,
Dil aur dimag par poori tarah chhayee thi,
Saans bhi lete they to naam usee ka hota tha,
I pal bhi door jeena dushwar hota tha..
******
5 saal baad........
Subah subah madam ka chai Le kar aana,
Table par rakh kar jor se chillana,
Aaj office jao to munna ko
School chodte hue jana...
Suno ek baar phir wohi awaaj aayi,
Kya baat hai abhi tak chhodi nahi charpayee,
Agar munna late ho gaya to dekh Lena,
Munna ki teachers ko phir khud hi sambhaal Lena..
Na Jane gharwali kaisa roop Le kar aayi thi,
Dil aur dimaag par kaali ghata chhayee thi,
Saans bhi lete hain to unhi ka khayal hota hai,
Ab har samay jehan mein ek hi sawal hota hai..
Kya kabhi who din laut ke aayenge,
Hum ek baar phir kunwaare Ho jaayenge.... ...!
******
Khushi ke maare mera bura haal tha,
Khushiyaan kuchh yun umad rahin thi,
Ki sambhale nahi sambhal rahi thi ..
Subah subah madam ka chai Le kar aana
Thoda sharmate huye humein neend se jagana,
Wo pyaar bhara hath hamare baalon mein phirana,
Muskurate huye kehna ki..
Darling chai to pi lo, Jaldi se ready ho jao, Aap ko office bhi hai jaana.
Gharwali bhagwan ka roop Le kar aayee thi,
Dil aur dimag par poori tarah chhayee thi,
Saans bhi lete they to naam usee ka hota tha,
I pal bhi door jeena dushwar hota tha..
******
5 saal baad........
Subah subah madam ka chai Le kar aana,
Table par rakh kar jor se chillana,
Aaj office jao to munna ko
School chodte hue jana...
Suno ek baar phir wohi awaaj aayi,
Kya baat hai abhi tak chhodi nahi charpayee,
Agar munna late ho gaya to dekh Lena,
Munna ki teachers ko phir khud hi sambhaal Lena..
Na Jane gharwali kaisa roop Le kar aayi thi,
Dil aur dimaag par kaali ghata chhayee thi,
Saans bhi lete hain to unhi ka khayal hota hai,
Ab har samay jehan mein ek hi sawal hota hai..
Kya kabhi who din laut ke aayenge,
Hum ek baar phir kunwaare Ho jaayenge.... ...!
******
Student Vs Professor
After having failed his exam in "Logistics and Organization ", a student goes and confronts his lecturer about it.
Student: "Sir, do you really understand anything about the subject?"
Professor: "Surely I must. Otherwise I would not be a professor!"
Student: "Great, well then I would like to ask you a question.
If you can give me the correct answer, I will accept my mark as is and go. If you however do not know the answer, I want you give me an "A" for the exam. "
Professor: "Okay, it's a deal. So what is the question?"
Student: "What is legal, but not logical, logical, but not legal, and neither logical, nor legal? "
Even after some long and hard consideration, the professor cannot give the student an answer, and therefore changes his exam mark into an "A", as agreed.
Afterwards, the professor calls on his best student and asks him the same question.
He immediately answers: "Sir, you are 63 years old and married to a 35 year old woman, which is legal, but not logical. Your wife has a 25 year old lover, which is logical, but not legal. The fact that you have given your wife's lover an "A", although he really should have failed, is neither legal, nor logical ."
*****
Student: "Sir, do you really understand anything about the subject?"
Professor: "Surely I must. Otherwise I would not be a professor!"
Student: "Great, well then I would like to ask you a question.
If you can give me the correct answer, I will accept my mark as is and go. If you however do not know the answer, I want you give me an "A" for the exam. "
Professor: "Okay, it's a deal. So what is the question?"
Student: "What is legal, but not logical, logical, but not legal, and neither logical, nor legal? "
Even after some long and hard consideration, the professor cannot give the student an answer, and therefore changes his exam mark into an "A", as agreed.
Afterwards, the professor calls on his best student and asks him the same question.
He immediately answers: "Sir, you are 63 years old and married to a 35 year old woman, which is legal, but not logical. Your wife has a 25 year old lover, which is logical, but not legal. The fact that you have given your wife's lover an "A", although he really should have failed, is neither legal, nor logical ."
*****
Interesting
Five cannibals (Man eaters) get appointed as programmers in an IT company. During the welcoming ceremony the boss says: "You're all part of our team now. You can earn good money here, and you can go to the company canteen for something to eat. So don't trouble the other employees".
The cannibals promise not to trouble the other employees.
Four weeks later the boss returns and says: "You're all working very hard, and I'm very satisfied with all of you. One of our developers has disappeared however. Do any of you know what happened to her?"
The cannibals disown all knowledge of the missing developer. After the boss left, the leader of the cannibals says to the others: " Which of you idiots ate the developer?"
One of the cannibals raises his hand hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals says: "You FOOL ! For four weeks we've been eating team leaders, managers, and project managers and no-one has noticed anything, and now YOU ate one developer and it got noticed. So hereafter please don't eat a person who is working ."
******
The cannibals promise not to trouble the other employees.
Four weeks later the boss returns and says: "You're all working very hard, and I'm very satisfied with all of you. One of our developers has disappeared however. Do any of you know what happened to her?"
The cannibals disown all knowledge of the missing developer. After the boss left, the leader of the cannibals says to the others: " Which of you idiots ate the developer?"
One of the cannibals raises his hand hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals says: "You FOOL ! For four weeks we've been eating team leaders, managers, and project managers and no-one has noticed anything, and now YOU ate one developer and it got noticed. So hereafter please don't eat a person who is working ."
******
SANTA ANSWER MEDICAL TERMINOLOGY
Have you heard of Mr. Santa Singh applying to a medical school to become a doctor?
Needless to say he never made it. You know why?
These are the answers he wrote in his entrance exam.
************
Antibody - against everyone
Artery - The study of the paintings.
Bacteria - back door to a cafeteria.
Caesarean section - a district in Rome.
Cardiology - advance study of poker playing.
Cat scan - searching for lost kitty.
Chronic - neck of a crow.
Coma - punctuation mark.
Cortisone - area around local court.
Cyst - short for sister.
Diagnosis - person with slanted nose.
Dilate - the late British Princess Diana.
Dislocation - in this place.
Duodenum - couple in blue jeans.
Enema - not a friend.
Fake labour - pretending to work.
Genes - blue denim.
Hernia - she is close by.
Impotent - distinguished/ well known.
Labour pain - hurt at work.
Lactose - people without toes.
Lymph - walk unsteadily.
Microbes - small dressing gown.
Obesity - city of Obe.
Pacemaker - winner of Nobel peace prize.
Proteins - in favour of teens.
Pulse - grain.
Pus - small cat.
Red blood count - Dracula.
Secretion - hiding anything.
Tablet - small table.
Ultrasound - radical noise.
Urine - opposite of you're out.
Varicose - very close.
********
Needless to say he never made it. You know why?
These are the answers he wrote in his entrance exam.
************
Antibody - against everyone
Artery - The study of the paintings.
Bacteria - back door to a cafeteria.
Caesarean section - a district in Rome.
Cardiology - advance study of poker playing.
Cat scan - searching for lost kitty.
Chronic - neck of a crow.
Coma - punctuation mark.
Cortisone - area around local court.
Cyst - short for sister.
Diagnosis - person with slanted nose.
Dilate - the late British Princess Diana.
Dislocation - in this place.
Duodenum - couple in blue jeans.
Enema - not a friend.
Fake labour - pretending to work.
Genes - blue denim.
Hernia - she is close by.
Impotent - distinguished/ well known.
Labour pain - hurt at work.
Lactose - people without toes.
Lymph - walk unsteadily.
Microbes - small dressing gown.
Obesity - city of Obe.
Pacemaker - winner of Nobel peace prize.
Proteins - in favour of teens.
Pulse - grain.
Pus - small cat.
Red blood count - Dracula.
Secretion - hiding anything.
Tablet - small table.
Ultrasound - radical noise.
Urine - opposite of you're out.
Varicose - very close.
********
RAMLAL KI DHOTI ME
Farz karo ke kisi goun ke ek theatre ke name "RAMLAL KI DHOTI " hota to us me chalne wali movies ka add kaise hota
RAMLAL KI DHOTI ME "ANARKALE"
RAMLAL KI DHOTI ME "NO ENTRY"
RAMLAL KI DHOTI ME "KAL HO NA HO"
RAMLAL KI DHOTI ME "FANNAH"
RAMLAL KI DHOTI ME "TESRI AANKH"
RAMLAL KI DHOTI ME "LAWARIS"
RAMLAL KI DHOTI ME "SHOLEY "
RAMLAL KI DHOTI ME "CHEENI KAM"
RAMLAL KI DHOTI ME "KRISH"
RAMLAL KI DHOTI ME "DON"
RAMLAL KI DHOTI ME "DHOOM"
RAMLAL KI DHOTI ME "GURU"
RAMLAL KI DHOTI ME "SPIDER MAN 3"
RAMLAL KI DHOTI ME "JHOOM BARABAR JHOOM"
RAMLAL KI DHOTI ME "BHOOT "
RAMLAL KI DHOTI ME "BHAGAM BHAG"
RAMLAL KI DHOTI ME "HERA PHARI"
RAMLAL KI DHOTI ME "HATYAR"
COMMING SOON
RAMLAL KI DHOTI ME "PARTNER"
RAMLAL KI DHOTI ME "KHANS"
RAMLAL KI DHOTI ME "............ . !!!
******
RAMLAL KI DHOTI ME "ANARKALE"
RAMLAL KI DHOTI ME "NO ENTRY"
RAMLAL KI DHOTI ME "KAL HO NA HO"
RAMLAL KI DHOTI ME "FANNAH"
RAMLAL KI DHOTI ME "TESRI AANKH"
RAMLAL KI DHOTI ME "LAWARIS"
RAMLAL KI DHOTI ME "SHOLEY "
RAMLAL KI DHOTI ME "CHEENI KAM"
RAMLAL KI DHOTI ME "KRISH"
RAMLAL KI DHOTI ME "DON"
RAMLAL KI DHOTI ME "DHOOM"
RAMLAL KI DHOTI ME "GURU"
RAMLAL KI DHOTI ME "SPIDER MAN 3"
RAMLAL KI DHOTI ME "JHOOM BARABAR JHOOM"
RAMLAL KI DHOTI ME "BHOOT "
RAMLAL KI DHOTI ME "BHAGAM BHAG"
RAMLAL KI DHOTI ME "HERA PHARI"
RAMLAL KI DHOTI ME "HATYAR"
COMMING SOON
RAMLAL KI DHOTI ME "PARTNER"
RAMLAL KI DHOTI ME "KHANS"
RAMLAL KI DHOTI ME "............ . !!!
******
Wednesday, 3 September 2008
Judge / lawyer
A young lawyer was defending a wealthy businessman in a complicated lawsuit.
Unfortunately, the evidence was against his client, and he feared the worst.
So the lawyer asked the senior partner of the law firm if it would be appropriate to send the judge a box of Havana cigars.
The partner was horrified. "The judge is an honorable man," the partner exclaimed.
"If you do that, I can guarantee you will lose the case!"
Weeks later the judge ruled in favor of the lawyer's client.
The partner took him to lunch to congratulate him. "Aren't you glad you didn't send those cigars to the judge?",
The partner asked. " But I did send them,"
Replied the lawyer. "I just enclosed the complainant's lawyer's business card !"
************
Unfortunately, the evidence was against his client, and he feared the worst.
So the lawyer asked the senior partner of the law firm if it would be appropriate to send the judge a box of Havana cigars.
The partner was horrified. "The judge is an honorable man," the partner exclaimed.
"If you do that, I can guarantee you will lose the case!"
Weeks later the judge ruled in favor of the lawyer's client.
The partner took him to lunch to congratulate him. "Aren't you glad you didn't send those cigars to the judge?",
The partner asked. " But I did send them,"
Replied the lawyer. "I just enclosed the complainant's lawyer's business card !"
************
AGRICULTURAL REP.
A cocky Department of Agriculture representative stopped at a farm and talked with the old farmer;
"I need to inspect your farm."
The old farmer said: "OK, but you better not go in that field."
In a wise-arse tone the Ag. Representative said, "I have the authority of the U. S. Government with me. See this card..?"
He stuck a plastic-coated card in the farmer's face.
"This card says I can go wherever I want to on agricultural land."
The old farmer shrugged and went about his farm chores. Later, he heard loud screams and saw the Department of Agriculture rep running for the fence.
Close behind was the farmer's prize bull, Geronimo.
Geronimo was madder than a nest full of hornets and he was gaining on the Ag Rep with every angry snort.
The farmer shouted, "Show him your card !"
***********
"I need to inspect your farm."
The old farmer said: "OK, but you better not go in that field."
In a wise-arse tone the Ag. Representative said, "I have the authority of the U. S. Government with me. See this card..?"
He stuck a plastic-coated card in the farmer's face.
"This card says I can go wherever I want to on agricultural land."
The old farmer shrugged and went about his farm chores. Later, he heard loud screams and saw the Department of Agriculture rep running for the fence.
Close behind was the farmer's prize bull, Geronimo.
Geronimo was madder than a nest full of hornets and he was gaining on the Ag Rep with every angry snort.
The farmer shouted, "Show him your card !"
***********
test
An old woman had 3 daughters. One day she decided to test her Sons-in-law.
One day she was walking along a lakeshore with the first son-in-law. Purposefully, she fell down in the lake and started yelling for help.
The first son-in-law jumped into the water and dragged her out into the shore.
The next day he found a brand new E Class Mercedes in his door steps with the wordings "Thank you!!!-Your Mother-in-law who loves you very much!!!"
Another day she was walking along a lakeshore with the second son-in-law. Purposefully, she fell down in the lake and started yelling for help.
The second son-in-law jumped into the water and dragged her out into the shore.
The next day he found a brand new E Class Mercedes in his door steps with the wordings "Thank you!!!-Your Mother-in-law who loves you very much!!!"
The third time she was walking with the third son-in-law and she repeated the same. But that guy didn't respond to her cries for help and didn't move a single step to save her.
The poor old lady who wanted to test her sons-in-law drowned and died.
.
.
.
.
.
The next day he found a brand new Rolls-Royce in his doorsteps with the following wordings ...
.
.
.
"Thank you very much! Your Father-in-law! !!"
***********
One day she was walking along a lakeshore with the first son-in-law. Purposefully, she fell down in the lake and started yelling for help.
The first son-in-law jumped into the water and dragged her out into the shore.
The next day he found a brand new E Class Mercedes in his door steps with the wordings "Thank you!!!-Your Mother-in-law who loves you very much!!!"
Another day she was walking along a lakeshore with the second son-in-law. Purposefully, she fell down in the lake and started yelling for help.
The second son-in-law jumped into the water and dragged her out into the shore.
The next day he found a brand new E Class Mercedes in his door steps with the wordings "Thank you!!!-Your Mother-in-law who loves you very much!!!"
The third time she was walking with the third son-in-law and she repeated the same. But that guy didn't respond to her cries for help and didn't move a single step to save her.
The poor old lady who wanted to test her sons-in-law drowned and died.
.
.
.
.
.
The next day he found a brand new Rolls-Royce in his doorsteps with the following wordings ...
.
.
.
"Thank you very much! Your Father-in-law! !!"
***********
Tuesday, 2 September 2008
A funny conversation between Software engineer and his wife
Husband - hey dear, I am logged in.
Wife - would you like to have some snacks?
Husband - hard disk full.
Wife - have you brought the saree.
Husband - Bad command or file name.
Wife - but I told you about it in morning
Husband - erroneous syntax, abort, retry, cancel.
Wife - hae bhagwan !forget it where's your salary.
Husband - file in use, read only, try after some time.
Wife - at least give me your credit card, I can do some shopping.
Husband - sharing violation, access denied.
Wife - I made a mistake in marrying you.
Husband - data type mismatch.
Wife - you are useless.
Husband - by default.
Wife - who was there with you in the car this morning?
Husband - system unstable press ctrl, alt, del to Reboot.
Wife - what is the relation between you & your Receptionist?
Husband - the only user with write permission.
Wife - what is my value in your life?
Husband - unknown virus detected.
Wife - do you love me or your computer?
Husband - Too many parameters.
Wife - I will go to my dad's house.
Husband - program performed illegal operation, it will Close.
Wife - I will leave you forever.
Husband - close all programs and log out for another User.
Wife - it is worthless talking to you.
Husband - shut down the computer.
Wife - I am going
Husband - Its now safe to turn off your computer
Wife - would you like to have some snacks?
Husband - hard disk full.
Wife - have you brought the saree.
Husband - Bad command or file name.
Wife - but I told you about it in morning
Husband - erroneous syntax, abort, retry, cancel.
Wife - hae bhagwan !forget it where's your salary.
Husband - file in use, read only, try after some time.
Wife - at least give me your credit card, I can do some shopping.
Husband - sharing violation, access denied.
Wife - I made a mistake in marrying you.
Husband - data type mismatch.
Wife - you are useless.
Husband - by default.
Wife - who was there with you in the car this morning?
Husband - system unstable press ctrl, alt, del to Reboot.
Wife - what is the relation between you & your Receptionist?
Husband - the only user with write permission.
Wife - what is my value in your life?
Husband - unknown virus detected.
Wife - do you love me or your computer?
Husband - Too many parameters.
Wife - I will go to my dad's house.
Husband - program performed illegal operation, it will Close.
Wife - I will leave you forever.
Husband - close all programs and log out for another User.
Wife - it is worthless talking to you.
Husband - shut down the computer.
Wife - I am going
Husband - Its now safe to turn off your computer
Munna Circuit
Circuit: Bhai america mein address puchega tho kya bolne ka
Munna: Dhobhi Ghaat
Circuit: Bhai english mein bolneka tho?
Munna: Washington
Circuit: Bhai idhar aane ko kya bolna
Munna: Come Here
Circuit: Bhai phir udhar jaaneko kya bolthe hai?
Munna: Pehle udhar jaaneka phir bolneka come here.
Circuit: Bhai yeh kaisa bolne ka - chale hat hawa aane de
Munna: simple hain yaar - Hey u move sideways let the air force come in.
Circuit: Bhai tum tho pass ho gela bhai
Munna: Yes bro i have just passed away
Munna: Abhi tu bol eh mamu bheja mat phira
Circuit: Mother's brother dont rotate my brain
Munna: Yeh bol idhar aa khajhur detha hun karcha pani {kajhur yaane date}
circiut: Come with me for a date i will pay u
Munna: Ab yeh bol apun ko bahut sardi ho gayi hai
Circuit: I got big winter in small nose
Munna: Dhobhi Ghaat
Circuit: Bhai english mein bolneka tho?
Munna: Washington
Circuit: Bhai idhar aane ko kya bolna
Munna: Come Here
Circuit: Bhai phir udhar jaaneko kya bolthe hai?
Munna: Pehle udhar jaaneka phir bolneka come here.
Circuit: Bhai yeh kaisa bolne ka - chale hat hawa aane de
Munna: simple hain yaar - Hey u move sideways let the air force come in.
Circuit: Bhai tum tho pass ho gela bhai
Munna: Yes bro i have just passed away
Munna: Abhi tu bol eh mamu bheja mat phira
Circuit: Mother's brother dont rotate my brain
Munna: Yeh bol idhar aa khajhur detha hun karcha pani {kajhur yaane date}
circiut: Come with me for a date i will pay u
Munna: Ab yeh bol apun ko bahut sardi ho gayi hai
Circuit: I got big winter in small nose
Computer Shayaris
Aakar Dekho To Mujhko
Mein SQL Prompt parr rehta Hoon,
Tere Login Ki Chaah Mein Kitne
Scott/Tiger Sehtaa Hoo
Tumse mila main kal to,
mere dil mein hua ek sound,
Lekin aaj tum mili to
kehti ho: Your file not found!
Tumhaara intezaar karte karte,
main so gaya
Yeh dekho mera connection,
time out ho gaya
Kab Se Boot kiye Baithaa Hoon
PC Apne Pyar Ka,
Kaise Type Karoon Mein Lekin
Password Izhaar Ka?
Dil ki Chaaron Drives Pe Meine
Jaana Tujhko Search Kiya,
Yahoo!, Yahoo!, Google!, Google!
Kitna Paisa Kharch Kiya.
Tere Chehre Pe Gussay Ka
ScreenSaver Jab Aata Hai,
Mere Chehre Ka Display Tab
Greyscale Ho Jata Hai
Jinke Links Ab Toot Chuke Hai
Shortcuts Woh Wipe Karo,
Apani ankhiyon ke browser mei
Mera Address Type Karo
Mein SQL Prompt parr rehta Hoon,
Tere Login Ki Chaah Mein Kitne
Scott/Tiger Sehtaa Hoo
Tumse mila main kal to,
mere dil mein hua ek sound,
Lekin aaj tum mili to
kehti ho: Your file not found!
Tumhaara intezaar karte karte,
main so gaya
Yeh dekho mera connection,
time out ho gaya
Kab Se Boot kiye Baithaa Hoon
PC Apne Pyar Ka,
Kaise Type Karoon Mein Lekin
Password Izhaar Ka?
Dil ki Chaaron Drives Pe Meine
Jaana Tujhko Search Kiya,
Yahoo!, Yahoo!, Google!, Google!
Kitna Paisa Kharch Kiya.
Tere Chehre Pe Gussay Ka
ScreenSaver Jab Aata Hai,
Mere Chehre Ka Display Tab
Greyscale Ho Jata Hai
Jinke Links Ab Toot Chuke Hai
Shortcuts Woh Wipe Karo,
Apani ankhiyon ke browser mei
Mera Address Type Karo
Monday, 1 September 2008
The Way to Heaven!
The Way to Heaven!
A little boy was waiting for his mother to come out of the grocery store.
As he waited, he was approached by a man who asked, "Son, can you tell me where the post office is?"
The little boy replied, "Sure, just go straight down the street a couple of blocks and turn to your right."
The man thanked the boy kindly and said, "I'm the new pastor in town, and I'd like for you to come to church on Sunday. I'll show you how to get to Heaven."
The little boy replied with a chuckle, "Awww, come on; you don't even know the way to the post office!"
A little boy was waiting for his mother to come out of the grocery store.
As he waited, he was approached by a man who asked, "Son, can you tell me where the post office is?"
The little boy replied, "Sure, just go straight down the street a couple of blocks and turn to your right."
The man thanked the boy kindly and said, "I'm the new pastor in town, and I'd like for you to come to church on Sunday. I'll show you how to get to Heaven."
The little boy replied with a chuckle, "Awww, come on; you don't even know the way to the post office!"
Insurance Salesman
Peter walks into an insurance office and asks for a job.
"We don't need anyone" they replied.
"You can't afford not to hire me. I can sell anyone, anytime, anything!"
"Well we have two prospects that No One has been able to sell. If you can sell just one, you have a job."
He was gone about two hours, and returned and handed them two checks, one for $25,000.00 and another for $50,000.00.
"How in the world did you do that ?" they asked.
"I told you I'm the worlds best salesman, I can sell anyone, anywhere, anytime!"
"Did you get a urine sample?" they asked him.
"What's that?" he asked.
"Well, if you sell a policy over $20,000.00 the company requires a urine sample. Take these two bottles and go back and get urine samples."
Peter was gone about 6 hours and they were fixing to close when he walks in with two five gallon buckets, one in each hand. He sets the buckets down, and reaches in his shirt pocket and produces two bottles of urine, and sets them on the desk and says, "Here's Mr. George's and this one is Mr. Robert's."
"Thats good" they said, "but what's in those two buckets?"
"Well, I passed by the Holiday Inn and they were having a teachers convention, so I stopped and sold them a group policy!"
"We don't need anyone" they replied.
"You can't afford not to hire me. I can sell anyone, anytime, anything!"
"Well we have two prospects that No One has been able to sell. If you can sell just one, you have a job."
He was gone about two hours, and returned and handed them two checks, one for $25,000.00 and another for $50,000.00.
"How in the world did you do that ?" they asked.
"I told you I'm the worlds best salesman, I can sell anyone, anywhere, anytime!"
"Did you get a urine sample?" they asked him.
"What's that?" he asked.
"Well, if you sell a policy over $20,000.00 the company requires a urine sample. Take these two bottles and go back and get urine samples."
Peter was gone about 6 hours and they were fixing to close when he walks in with two five gallon buckets, one in each hand. He sets the buckets down, and reaches in his shirt pocket and produces two bottles of urine, and sets them on the desk and says, "Here's Mr. George's and this one is Mr. Robert's."
"Thats good" they said, "but what's in those two buckets?"
"Well, I passed by the Holiday Inn and they were having a teachers convention, so I stopped and sold them a group policy!"
Chinese Call centre!!!
" Good Wan! "
Caller: Hello, can I speak to Annie Wan ?
Operator: Yes, you can speak to me.
Caller : No, I want to speak to Annie Wan !
Operator: Yes I understand you want to speak to anyone.You can speak to me. Who is this?
Caller : I'm Sam Wan. And I need to talk to Annie Wan! It's urgent.
Operator : I know you are someone and you want to talk to anyone! But what's this urgent matter about?
Caller: Well... just tell my sister Annie Wan that our brother Noe Wan was involved in an accident. Noe Wan got injured and now Noe Wan is being sent to the hospital. Right now, Avery Wan is on his way to the hospital.
Operator : Look, if no one was injured and no one was sent to the hospital, then the accident isn't an urgent matter! You may find this hilarious but I don't have time for this!
Caller : You are so rude! Who are you?
Operator: I'm Saw Ree.
Caller: Yes! You should be sorry. Now give me your name!!
Operator: That's what I said. I'm Saw Ree ..
Caller: Oh ......God!!! !
... and that's why India need not worry about losing this business!
Caller: Hello, can I speak to Annie Wan ?
Operator: Yes, you can speak to me.
Caller : No, I want to speak to Annie Wan !
Operator: Yes I understand you want to speak to anyone.You can speak to me. Who is this?
Caller : I'm Sam Wan. And I need to talk to Annie Wan! It's urgent.
Operator : I know you are someone and you want to talk to anyone! But what's this urgent matter about?
Caller: Well... just tell my sister Annie Wan that our brother Noe Wan was involved in an accident. Noe Wan got injured and now Noe Wan is being sent to the hospital. Right now, Avery Wan is on his way to the hospital.
Operator : Look, if no one was injured and no one was sent to the hospital, then the accident isn't an urgent matter! You may find this hilarious but I don't have time for this!
Caller : You are so rude! Who are you?
Operator: I'm Saw Ree.
Caller: Yes! You should be sorry. Now give me your name!!
Operator: That's what I said. I'm Saw Ree ..
Caller: Oh ......God!!! !
... and that's why India need not worry about losing this business!
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